Despite the early hour, the First Sea Lord was already at his desk when the head clerk brought in the first batch of today's messages. “This is from the Horseguards, Mylord. They found that Colonel RM guilty and he was dismissed the service” – “And here's one from HMS Sheik Yassouf ,” he went on, “Apparently she was caught out in the Bay of Biskay by a storm, but still managed to pick up a Portugeese fishing boat. The message says nothing about its crew, but the 1 st Lieutenant and a RM Major found 200 Guineas stashed behind a false joint under the seat. That makes it political, Mylord ... but the Portugese are our friends, aren't they?” – “Yes they are, for the moment. And I don't like the look of it. But the Portugese can hardly complain if we let the Lieutenant keep the money and recommend the Major to be mentioned in dispatches. Make it so, Williams! What's next ...?”

“Your Lordship will recall that HMS Jupiter has gone to Cherbourg on cartel duty earlier in the month. Here's the report of her captain. A question concerning certain monies ...” - “Ah yes, I remember. One of the prisoners had been very welathy but died nevertheless. Double pneumonia – French prisons are notoriously damp. Well, it comes to us all in the end, poor man! However, I see no reason to disbelieve the 1 st Lieutenant's statement that the deceased had given those 200 Guineas to him freely. Let him keep the money and be welcome to it! What's next ...?”

“Another letter from WKM, Mylord. It seems that he had offered his service to Captain FF of HMS Belle Poule and Captain JS of HMS Waakzamheit but neither had seen fit to fall in with his wishes. Now he blames us, as usual ...” – “A sad business, Williams! God knows our ships are undermanned and yet here's a man unable to find a berth. Send his letter to the Impress Service and tell them to look sharp about it. He has lodgings near the Billingsgate fish market, it seems. What's next ...?”

“A report from Sir Jervis in Gibraltar. HMS Belle Poule is down there, Mylord ...”.

And while Williams proceeded to give the First Sea Lord the details of Sir Jervis'message, FF was sitting down in his cabin to enter more recent events in his serial letter to Pam: “Sunday 25 th : There's an old church halfway up the hill where I went to hear Mass. Took JWK, our Lt. RM and some of the ship's company. The congregation was small and consisted mostly of little old ladies, so our voices greatly improved the singing. Halfway through the service a choir boy brought a message, saying their organist had fallen ill and did we have a doctor? Sent for our surgeon at once, and meanwhile JWK took over and played the organ to perfection – confess myself quite stupefait – didn't know he had it in him! Afterwards, we could hardly extricate ourselves - baskets of cakes and fruits – our chandler says he can get fifty Guineas for my share and three times that for JWK's! Monday 26 th : It seems that among the presents was a dish made of crabs, which tickled out Lt. RM's fancy to the extend that he went round and bought up everybody's portion. Well, one of these crabs must have been past its best-before date because he sickened and died this morning, despite everything the surgeon could do. Sir Jervis suspects the French, as always. He has written a letter to the Admiralty but with the wind SSE no ship can get out. Wednesday 28 th : Damned if I don't think Sir Jervis might have been right. This very morning there's that French Admiral, Linois, right on our doorstep! Five 74s and his 96-guns flagship L'Amarthé , and what does he do? Sends in HMS Swordfish and HMS Surprise , the two Sloops that had gone East on an unspecified errant (read: spy business) earlier this month! With a brief note to Sir Jervis: “Better luck next time, and merry Xmas!” The cheek of it! Sir Jervis says the sloops were caught embayed, didn't stand a chance. Not a single officer alive except one RM, and barely a fifth of the crews. Poor Sandolls, we dined together the day before he sailed and he told me he was sent on this fool's errand (a harebrained scheme - four different organisations involved) because his superior didn't like the cut of his jib. The French must have known, that's for sure! On the bright side, I can probably get Sir Jervis to lend me that Marine. What's his name – Attenborough-Something. Now there's a lucky man! Thirteen hundred Guineas, promotion to Lieutenant RM, and he gets mentioned in dispatches! They'll call him “Lucky Miles” next. Must rush, there's the Port Admiral's barge”.

Several hundred sea miles away, HMS Waakzamheit was heading NNW under a fine press of sails. JS had a comfortable seat in the foretop crosstrees and his telescope was trained on something far away. He was thinking of Home ... when a sudden squall laid the ship on her beam ends. Startled, JS let go of the instrument and tried to keep his balance. As soon as the ship had righted herself he tried to slide down a backstay to regain the deck but somehow he got entangled in some rope ... ! JS then started to shout for help and at first nobody seemed to hear his cries – the Captain RM did look up but obviously failed to see him – and only after he had shouted the name of his own coxwain at least three times did they take notice. As soon as he was back on deck, JS had the unlucky RM thrown into irons (court martial pending). In the ship's log, JS wrote: “The man was either drunk or mad; and unfit for duty in both cases!”.

HMS Alexander was in Funchal Harbour and her 1 st lieutenant must have been dead drunk (after all, Funchal is the capital of Madeira), else why would he have tried to light a candle in the powder magazine? He kept trying, dropping the candle, the matches, and his glasses, and presently started swearing someting dreadful. Just then JA happened to pass and with a tiger-like bound he snatched the still unlit match out of the officer‘s hands! His captain immediately wrote a letter of recommendation to the Admiralty, while his shipmates brought out their saved rum and got him twice as drunk as the Lieutenant had been!

Down in the Indian ocean, EIC Shangri-La completed the first leg of her return journey without mishap. TOM and PC had hit upon a new plan and set to working on a book “Indian Cooking with Company staple goods” (TOM doing the cooking and PC tasting the results). Given that neither of them could tell clover from cardammon the ship's company was unanimous in their opinion that if this couldn't be called bravery (as we know it) it could certainly be called reckless!

Issue 9 by J.C.

This Month with New Sports Supplement!

Glad Tidings of Great Joy!

Maybe I should have started with a Christmas carol – “I saw three ships come sailing in” , but the second line would have needed to have been changed to “and John O'Groats flew down the gangplank faster than a stag before the hunt, crossed London Bridge and wasn't seen north of the river again for two weeks” , but it doesn't scan very well. My! Hasn't the last six months simply flown by – it seems only a month or so ago that I was reporting the sight of ‘Roundheels Sally' and the other Southside Ladies waving him off from St Katherine's Dock, and here we are welcoming him back to our fair city. I just hope for their sakes that he heeded their advice “Try not to catch anything nasty”, only time will tell I suppose, but I dare say that the working girls from Southwark will be receiving a sizeable Christmas bonus this year for ‘services above and beyond the call of duty'.

But the festive season is now upon us once more and even though a fair number of our chaps will be away from their loved ones over Christmastide there are still enough bright lights in the city who are more than willing to raise a glass and wish “goodwill to all men”. Andrew Goodman hosted his “Santa Claus” party at the pit where he laid on a spread of good English fare to rival the Chinese parties that Tyler Brock has made so famous. Oriental cuisine is all very well and good, but you always feel that you need to have something more an hour or so later, but I would have thought that the feast that Andrew provided for his guests would keep them going for several days: grilled goose, steamed fish, pork in fried tomato-and-onion gravy, baked potatoes and more that I could ever realistically list here. The first guest to arrive (no surprise there) was partygoer extraordinaire Wayne Kin-Madly, accompanied as ever by the delightful Emma. Wayne arrived carrying a sack of gifts, which he distributed to all the ladies present, before starting off the party games – there were several rounds of “Shove Piggy Shove”, “Squeak Piggy Squeak” and at least one other one that had something to do with livestock that I didn't quite catch the name of. If there is ever the risk of a party being on the quiet side then a host could do much worse than simply inviting Wayne to the proceedings. The next guest to arrive was Dae Dastardly, who was greeted with loud applause for his efforts at the beginning of the month (more of that in the Sports section), which he gratefully acknowledged before joining in the festivities with everyone else. Elsewhere this week Tyler Brock (our other sportsman this month) was a-courting again. The object of his affections this time was Victoria Watson-Holmes, whom he wooed with an opulent meal and an introduction to Chinese herbal medicine – the components of which I do not feel that I could reveal in these pages, but suffice it to say that I dare imagine there are a few very startled looking tigers in china these days. Victoria reported to me later in the month that Tyler is also very specialized in the art of the foot massage, and it is amazing the effects that simply rubbing the feet can produce! A hundred years ago Tyler would have been burnt at the stake for witchcraft – what a relief for him that we live in more enlightened times.

Both Dae Dastardly and Andrew Goodman were also seen out after the ladies at various times this month, but with differing degrees of success: Dae was rudely rebuffed by Ophelia Goolies in no uncertain terms, but Andrew fared much better. He was reported to have been spotted on the doorstep of Rebecca Morrison with an armful of roses and an exquisite gift box containing an equally exquisite necklace. He was invited in almost immediately. A shrewd move by Mr Goodman, I feel, as there is nothing more embarrassing that to say the wrong name to one's sweetheart, so by courting a lady with the same Christian name he negates this probability entirely. Well played, dear Sir!

From this point on the city seemed to settle down in the run up to Christmas, with our city gents going about their own business; Tyler and Dae visited their various training masters at one point in time or another – I dare say to brush up on technique following their own shortcomings that they may have discovered earlier in the month. Wayne, however, became a regular at the opera, where he was to be seen for the rest of the month.

So as we say farewell to 1791 and look forward to 1792 there are various images that linger in the mind's eye for the end of the year, that of Andrew and Rebecca quietly seeing the new year in at his club, and already planning a New Year's party for next month, and the look of wonder on the face of John O'Groats as he wanders the streets of the city marvelling at the changes that have happened in the months that he has been away.

A Happy New Year to all out readers, and you can rest assured that the festivities and notable events of 1792 will, of course, be reported in The Gazette .

The London Gazette Sports Supplement

Welcome to the first edition of the London Gazette sports supplement, in this section of The Gazette we will bring you the latest news of any and all contests and sporting events taking place within the City of London and environs.

As you all know, the taking of matters into one's own hands is something that is frowned upon in this country – and so well it should be, but that is not to say that two gentlemen of good standing cannot settle their differences in the manner of a sporting contest, and it is with that in mind that we at The Gazette have decided to publish reports of such events for the information of our readers.

Disclaimer – The report contained within these pages was viewed by our reporter as a sporting contest and The Gazette accepts no responsibility if it was actually a duel. We will not be held accountable for encouraging such illegal activities, and we strongly endorse the work of the Admiralty in discouraging such events.

Tyler Brock, in order that the Admiralty would not get the wrong idea about what was taking place and mistake ‘a sporting contest' for something illegal, called upon Jennifer Usher to masterfully distract the Port Admiral for the duration of the event. After all, neither Dae nor himself would like the authorities to get the wrong idea. Thus engaged, both men were able to get on with matters uninterrupted.

The morning was bright and clear but cold as both men arrived at Hampstead Heath, which had been designated as the venue. Tyler chose a cutlass as his weapon of choice and Dae opted to go for the rapier.

Both men squared up to each other and with a gentlemanly shake of hands and wishing the other the best of luck, and with the offer of drinks afterwards from Dae, the contest began.

Both men lunged forward immediately hoping to get in an early blow and both succeeded, Dae taking a cut to the forearm and Tyler a cut to the shoulder. Both stepped back and began to circle each other, professionals that they are looking for any weakness that they may exploit in their opponent. It was obvious to any and all watching that Tyler was a much more proficient swordsman than Dae, but both were fighting very well. Dae lunged forward again hoping that the speed of the rapier would be too much for the slashing cutlass of Tyler, and in doing so he scored another hit, again to the shoulder, but Tyler, instead of attempting to parry the blow simply used attack as the best form of defence and landed another deep cut – this time high upon Dae's chest. It was starting to show that the wounds that Dae was taking were more significant that those that he was dealing out, and he needed to do something to turn the tide in his favour. He feinted right, and as Tyler attempted to counter the attack with a blow of his own he quickly pulled left and trailed a line across Tyler's side. Tyler acknowledged a well-placed blow and commended his opponent for the move before continuing. It was from this point on though that Tyler began to exercise his superior skill and take control of the event, landing two blows in quick succession without Dae being able to put up much resistance. This coupled with the effects that the wounds already inflicted were having upon Dae he offered his surrender, which Tyler immediately accepted. The two men shook hands once again showing that honour had been satisfied and that there would be no hard feelings following a very well contested match.

So there you have it. The Sports Supplement looks forward to bringing its readers further reports of events as they happen.

Tyler Brock you Knave - how dare you defile scented grace of the fair Sophia with your unwashed presence ... please don't defile the honour of a good lady any further. Name the time and the place ... and I will be pleased to show you the mistakes of your ways.

After this matter has been settled perhaps we could retire to your club where I will be happy to pay for suitable refreshments.

Oh Captain my Captain!
Christmas is over and I barely fit in my uniform anymore. Lets go out and get some action! Jack Frog is probably still quite dizzy from his extra Christmas ration of Pastis or some other despicable juices, and we can earn a medal or two while getting some exercise to get rid of that extra couple pounds.
Lets raise sail and lead the Richard Lionheart out to glory and victory!

Dear Captain Sandwich!
England needs us today! Lets set sail and teach those frogs a lesson! Our ship, the Richard Lionheart, needs a smaller escort and HMS Waakzamheit would be a perfect match.
I want to ask you of a double favor: Could you use your personal influence to make my Captain forget his doubt and set sail – and would you join us out there in the cold British Channel?
Lets go for it, honor and glory await!

Your are welcome to our New Year Party in our club in the first week of the new year. All who visited our Santa Claus Party know that all will be well prepared!

The London Gazette Sports Supplement

Court martial