Current Briny en Garde Turn Report

”... regarding the Chilean question, I would say that with Don Bustamente reinstated as Minister of State, war with Spain seems inevitable. Our negotiations with O'Higgins and his friends can hardly have escaped Don Bustamente's notice and he will make that his excuse. The Chileans are unfortunate in that a major trade route runs along their coast and that they lack the ships to protect it. Our spies tell us that a number of ships is making ready to leave Cadiz, among them the Estrella of 96 guns, the Duena Dolores and the Cid of 84 guns each, and the Munoz of 74 guns. I'm sure the serving members of the board will support me in suggesting that we must take the strongest possible measures to prevent those ships reaching their destination ...” Lord Fleetburn, the former ambassador of the Court of St. James to Spain, cast a quick look round the long mahogany table as he spoke. Several of the uniformed figures did in fact move (just woken up from a pleasant doze, he would wager) and here and there was a murmur of assent. However, it was far from general, and since this wasn't the usual restricted session of the Lords Commissioners of the Admiralty but the first omnuim gathering since the new administration had come into power, Lord Fleetburn found it difficult to catch its prevailing current. There were several heads of departments and representatives of various boards he did not know and they were behaving with politic restraint. Yet he didn't feel any sense of decided opposition and was sure that by the force of his own conviction he would carry his point. He continued: ”The obvious solution is that we supply the Chileans with these ships. As you all know, recent cutbacks in the naval budget would have forced us to pay off a number of ships at the end of this months anyway ...” – ”What ships would that be, Mylord?” – ”HMS Richard Lionheart , HMS Jupiter , HMS Swiftsure , and HMS Mars , as well as two sloops - HMS Salisbury and HMS Swordfish , I think. The transfer will take place at the end of this month, when the ships will assemble at a rendezvous off the Lizard in order to pick up the Irish crews O'Higgins is now recruiting ...” – And what will happen to our chaps?” Baron Beanpole, Vice Admiral of the White broke in. ”I was just coming to that, Sir Louis” Lord Fleetburn replied ...

Later the same day, Captain Feghoot presented himself at the Admiralty and was immediately shown into the First Lord's room, where he sat uneasily in a very comfortable chair and watched the craggy features of the First Lord's across a vast expanse of cluttered desk. ”Relax, Captain” said the First Lord, ”You're not here to be reprimanded, or I would have given you a much harder seat. In fact, you're here to be given a pat on the back. You have done well in the Service, and although we're sorry to see you leave we understand your motives. It's not everyday a man is offered the position of Governor on a sunny Caribbean island! I'm afraid I can't detail a ship of the line for you – government has been at the naval estimates again, I'm afraid – but a sloop is ready to sail on the tide and she will take you as far as the Canary islands where you'll easily find a Company ship to take you the rest of the way. HMS Salisbury , I believe - Captain Brock has her now. However, I might prevail on the Board to let you have a physician – and not the just-out-of-apprenticeship kind either, but the genuine bob-wigged, two-guineas-per-visit variety. He's an Irishman who has been helping us from time to time, in a purely voluntary capacity, but now the French have picked up his scent and London is fast becoming too hot for him. His name is Maturin, Stephen Maturin, and he's the best there is for exerting traction on a limb until it threatens to come off at the atecabulum, haha ...!”

At the same time, said captain Brock sat in the cramped little cabin of HMS Salisbury and grumbled to himself. What was the Navy thinking of – take a man off a real man of-war and put him on a dinky little piece of driftwood like this instead, and call it a promotion!? Blast their Lordships' eyes, dammit!! His eye fell on the letter from his bank and the statement of his personal account, which still showed a sizable overdraft, despite the fact that he had resigned his club membership and managed to pay off one loan shark! Something had to happen, and soon, or he would end up in the Fleet if he ever set foot ashore again. He's better send a note to have old Jack over to dinner – lucky Jack, who had HMS Richard Lionheart now. Together, they might come up with something – a plan to capture some heavily laden French blockade runner, for instance!

A knock on his door put a stop to his musings, and the Admiralty messenger stepped in ... shortly followed by governor-designate Feghoot himself. Handshakes, smiles ... and a few hours later HMS Salisbury was already wending its way through a host of anchoring merchantmen in the Pool, eager to catch the tide! TB spent most of the days on deck, where he had a cot slung for himself (fortunately, the weather remained mild enough), since he had of course surrendered his cabin to Sir Fernando. During the voyage they sighted three smaller vessels (one Frenchman of about the same size as HMS Salisbury , one thinly manned merchantman – obviously a prize - and one Portuguese who had lost part of his foremast), all of which looked like fat pickings to his men. TB, however, was only too conscious of the secret orders he had received and each time he altered course to avoid an engagement. Carrying diplomatic gents around must have done something to the Captain's brain, many of the older hands agreed among themselves – if they hadn't known him better, they'd have sworn that old ”Up-and-at-them” Brock had lost his balls as well as his marbles! However, it had not affected his sailing abilities and they made Funchal in record time – just in time, in fact, to be among the first to hear about the battle fought off Cadiz four days earlier.

T he British squadron had arrived at Funchal a week ago, but upon hearing that the Spanish ships had not passed the squadron's commander had sent HMS Surprise and HMS Sauve Qui Peut ahead to watch Cadiz while the other ships had lingered until late the next day to take stores aboard. Now they were back, and the island's taverns were filled with seamen, their pockets filled with gold and their mouths eager to tell the tale. How, when morning had barely broken, midshipman DD aboard HMS Ferocious had hailed the quarterdeck. ”Ahoy, there! Lots of smoke on the eastern horizon and I see two sails, heading straight towards us. One small ship, pursued by a larger one. Blimey, it's the Surprise ... and the Dons are after her!”. He was right, but what he didn't know at the time was that a few more miles to the East the Dons had just stumbled upon the Guinea Coat convoy! Aboard HMS Richard Lionheart , however, JS had immediately grasped the implications (there was a letter from the Admiralty in his sea chest warning him of just such an eventuality) and being recklessly brave as well as the senior captain he had at once ordered the squadron to make all possible speed and to prepare for battle. And what a battle it had turned out to be! The Spaniards had been in the middle of sending prize crews to the captured merchantmen and hadn't noticed the British ships until they were nearly upon them. No time to form a line of battle – it was ship against ship! HMS Ferocious and HMS Richard Lionheart had both moved up to the Spanish flagship (Estrella, of 96 guns) and boarded her in the smoke. Since DD had not only spotted the enemy first but had also led his men in a recklessly brave charge climbing through the abandoned gun ports of the Estrella , he was promoted and received 200 Guineas. Now he was heard to complain bitterly that the 1 st lieutenant had deliberately ordered him back aboard HMS Ferocious so he could move on to the Spaniard's quarterdeck and haul down the flag himself – which had earned him a peerage and 500 Guineas to celebrate his elevation. JS, on the other hand, had been extremely unlucky in that a call of nature had prevented his taking a hand in the early stages of the fight. Despite the courage and determination shown earlier, word soon spread among the officers and crew of HMS Richard Lionheart that their captain was a coward and their Lordships were forced to transfer JS to HMS Ferocious at once - no big deal, since the Richard Lionheart , along with most of her volunteer officers and crew, would be handed over to the Chileans at the end of the month anyway. His 2 nd lieutenant had been more fortunate (or maybe just had a stronger stomach) and had received a sword worth 400 Guineas from the Patriotic Fund for his bravery.

There was more to tell, of course. A few cables to leeward of HMS Ferocious , HMS Waakzamheit had been fighting for her life against the Duena Dolores . The 32pdrs of the Spaniards were pounding her mercilessly and it would have gone hard with captain AG and his band of jolly tars if HMS Mars had not shown up in time to lay herself across the Duena's stern. Brevet Lieutenant JF himself led her men through the windows of the Duena 's captain's cabin, followed closely by Mars ' complement of Marines. From there, they quickly reached the quarterdeck and a pistol against the Spanish captain's head soon convinced him that further resistance would be foolhardy. For his bravery in the face of danger above and beyond that usually encountered in dealing with the enemy AG was handed a peculiar kind of headgear by a grateful monarch (believed to be called a knight-hood ) and the fact that he had refused a promotion was duly recorded in the next issue of the Gazette. The same issue carried an eyewitness‘ report how MW was seen teaching new boy TOM how to use a sextant and to work out the ship's noon position. AG was heard to remark with biting sarcasm that the service would not be the same if every jack ape would turn to reading, writing and bringing down the sun; Who, for instance, would hand, reef and steer in their place? This outburst proved too much for MAD, who paled visibly and asked for permission to leave his battle station. However, he did not go to the head (as his captain supposed) but to the ship's sickbay, where he forced the loblolly boy to draw him half a gallon from his emergency store of strong spirits. Thus fortified, MAD hurried back on deck and threw himself into the battle with such a wild ferocity that the Spaniards fairly shrank back before him, thinking him mad! AG seemed to have formed the same opinion and the purse of 600 Guineas that MAD received as his share of the prize money also contained orders to present himself aboard HMS Sheik Yassouf at his earliest convenience and to take up his duties as a Major RM aboard her. In a footnote, however, the reporter could not resist adding that maybe MW just had a quicker eye for spotting talent, because TOM had gotten the ship's position right first go! JF's bravery was also duly noted and he received a purse of 350 Guineas plus a good conduct badge (with a note asking him to move on to either HMS Bellerophon or HMS Glenmoranie ), while the RM lieutenant got 400 Guineas. HMS Halcyon had been at the extreme end of the British line and in her eagerness to be in at the kill she managed to split her mainbrace, which delayed her further. However, she arrived just in time to see Cid and Munoz turn and head back towards Cadiz and she fought a gallant action against the latter, despite being badly outnumbered. A lucky shot from her 18pdr. unhinged the Spaniard's rudder and reduced his ability to manoeuvre, allowing HMS Halcyon to cross his wake repeatedly and to send her cannon balls crashing in through his stern windows and all along his gun deck until he surrendered. Kudos all round - the audacity of her captain was the talk of the service for days and many thought that he should have received not one but ten purses of 400 Guineas. His 1 st lieutenant missed out on the bounty but found himself the hero of an account published in the Times (Sunday supplement).

Half a world away, La Poubelle reached Bombay safely and proceeded to unload her cargo, among them fifty chests of Clan Sauchie kilts (complete with sporrans) for a Raj's household amazones! 1 st lieutenant RTM had spent several hours writing “I LOVE YOU!” on little slips of pink paper and putting them into the sporrans, a nice touch which earned him an additional 1100 Guineas and a reputation for being very clever! However, as soon as the captain heard about it he had the pink slips taken out again, which earned him 400 Guineas and a reputation to have some common sense left! Meanwhile the 2 nd lieutenant of EIC La Poubelle spent most of his time writing to PC (his fifth cousin three times removed) in order to tell him to bring a large jar of Blue Pills (aka Dr. Godbewithus‘ Unfailing Remedy against Toothache), which they would sell to the unsuspecting natives at a fabulous price ...!

Issue 15 Your Reporter – T.

A nother month, another round of parties and suitably attired men and ladies doing the rounds in London…

T he first week of the month saw JOG ensconced in his new club The Dolphin , where he was throwing a party to celebrate his current rise in society. This weeks the party was simply a get together and have a few drinks and chat. John and Diana got there earlier and bagged the best seats in the club and ensured they also had a good view of those arriving.

First through the doors to JOG's new club was Josiah W. Kerr with Sophia, Diana looked suitably impressed with Sophie's new hat ( paid for by JWK out of his own pocket ) and dropped a large hint to John that maybe he should be doing the same for her! Next came Roger Pugwasher, on his own looking around with some sort of eye for the future, thought John. Then came Pavel and Alice who stopped to talk to Roger briefly and exchange cards. The sound of horses squealing and shouts of “ whoa boys whoa ” where heard, which left all and sundry present in no doubt that Wayne and Rebecca had arrived in style. Sure enough in came WKM and Rebecca, both looking a little wild eyed and excited, John heard WKM mutter some thing about getting more horse power for the next coach he hired?

Entering with a little more decorum came Wesley Silver and Sue who headed for the bar to partake in a quick drink before circulating.

The night wore on and all and sundry circulated talking amongst them selves, although it seemed that John had more of the conversation from his guests than the other way round. The talking and socialising went long into the night before every one departed to their own accommodation. John and Diana where the last to leave John paying the bill as he left.

The second week proved more exciting shall we say as John returned to true form and had a men only night at the Dolphin. The guest quickly arrived , Wesley Silver first followed by Roger, Wayne (no coach this time!) Josiah W. Kerr and finally Pavel.

John had already set up a table or two ladened with free drinks of ale or spirits, he ordered the barman to keep the supply going so as to not stop the fun. Every one received a cigar to enjoy and then John started the action by telling a series of funny if slightly dirty jokes. His audience were suitably impressed by the laughter and clapping from them.

JWK then volunteered a joke which I have repeated here for the rest of you to enjoy (or otherwise)

A duck walks into a coffee house and orders a drink, pays and walks out. The proprietor is amazed, thinks it must be from the circus that's arrived in town. When the circus owner enters the coffee shop the proprietor mentions how impressed he was by the talking duck. "But Sir," says the circus owner "We have many wonders but no talking duck! Such a marvel would make my circus famous!" The Coffee Shop Proprietor says that if he sees it again he'll send it to the circus.
Later, the duck returns and orders a cup of chocolate, the Proprietor says "I hope you'll forgive me taking such a liberty but I mentioned to the Circus Owner that you'd been in, he said if I saw you to tell you there's a job at the circus for you" The duck replies: "At the circus? Why, do they need an accountant?"

This raised great guffaws of laughter from all those assembled, with John saying it was a fine joke and Pavel agreeing. Sensing he may onto a winner JWK launches into another more racier Joke (setting the trend for the rest of the night it seems, more in a moment)

He tell's them of the man who returns to his mistress with a duck under his arm and says "See, this is the pig I've been ****ing for the last three months" His Mistress replies "But that's a duck", the man retorts "I was talking to the duck!"

More laughter from this coarse joke!

John then snapped his fingers when the laughter had died down and a string quartet hidden behind some panels started to play some music. Then to every ones amazement a couple of scantily clad ladies (by scantily I mean you could see their ankles and …some of their upper arms!) came slowly dancing into the area, swaying from man to man in a rather seductive manner all the time as the music played. Roger seemed a little hot under the collar at the attention, whilst WKM seemed to reveal in the attention, even stuffing a golden guinea down the bust of one of the young ladies…John applauded this and soon Josiah W. Kerr followed suit not to be out done WS put one in each ladies bosom (taking rather a long time too I may add in placing them!) This went of for quite some time before the music finally finished and the ladies retired to much applause and cries of “ more, more, encore ” from those assembled. However all was not finished as another lady, oriental by the look of her made her way slinkly to the middle and then the music started once more, this time it was far more sensual in tone. Every one was hypnotised to the sway of her hips as she strolled around the room teasing every man in turn until she reached John where upon she give him her full attention. She then began to (censored by ed !)…………………………… I can only describe it as her dancing in his lap!!

John appeared quite flushed by the time it ended and she once more slinked off to the changing rooms followed by shouts of Bravo and wolf whistles. John was dumbfounded he had not ordered this, this surprise as he saw it. It fell upon Pavel to explain it was his treat for John as thanks for all the other parties he had attended! After that John ordered Brandy all round and cigars where the men sat in silence enjoying their good fortune and friendship.

The 3rd week saw another party hosted by JOG, but I think this was to make up for the party the week before, as John had advertised it as a party were all proceeds would go to an orphanage in the east end of London. It seemed the usual suspects and their ladies attended this. Arriving just after John and Diana had arrived was Wesley Silver and Sue both looking suitably attired for the evening. Next came Pavel with Alice, he whispered some to John, which caused said gentlemen to turn bright red and look around to see where Diana was, either way she was busy offering drinks to those just arrived, John looked suitably relieved! Roger turned up on his own and shook Johns hand for the invite then headed for the free drinks! A coach was heard to pull up out side and a few moments later Josiah W. Kerr and Sophia (looking rather stunning in a new dress I may add) bought for her by JWK at quite an expensive price if Sophia was to be believed, entered the Club, both congratulating John and Diana for such a kindness to the less fortunate of the East End. Just as John was about to leave the entrance he heard some strange noises in the street out side. Venturing out side to look, with a few of the others he say a coach, pulled by at least 10 horses!! Racing at full speed to the club. In the back ground he could see some youths chasing the carriage, one was shouting “ me Ma, me Ma ” for some unknown reason whilst another was shouting “ blue light, blue light ” no doubt in reference to the lights on the coach. John quickly realised as did the others that the coach was going far to fast to stop and leapt back into the club, where upon a loud shout of “ whoa ye buggers, whoa, I tell ya ” followed by much screeching and banging, followed by horses squealing and neighing, then silence. As John and the others looked on WKM and Rebecca entered the club, with Wayne saying “ by God that's was fun ” Rebecca looked less than ecstatic about it though and went shakily to a table to sit down. Wayne by of explanation simply said “ more horse power you see, more horse power, wonderful!”

After that excitement the night progressed rather well with a good sized donation to the orphanage being raised by all who attend. Special mention must go to some of the following though, Pavel donated a rather nice looking Czech vase, which was quickly sold and raised 10 guineas. Not to be out done Josiah W. Kerr donated 20 guineas for the cause. However WKM once again stole the lime light by donating 50 guineas! A very good night was had by all and a goodly sum was sent to the orphanage by John and Diana the next day.

A rather quiet week after the excess of the last 3 weeks seems every one had quieter things to do and no doubt John was looking for some quality time as well!!

Other things noted during the month were:

Pete Cunning applying for and getting his Midshipman on the EIC Shangri-La, followed by a trip Southside to celebrate no doubt, he luckily managed to avoid the foot pads and press gangs and made his way safely home! However for the rest of the month he ensconced him self in his club and drank him self silly, as he was missing his best friend Tom who had been pressed ganged the month earlier.

The following were also seen south side during the month, Roger who also avoid all the problems of going south side! (I guess the footpads where having the month off after the success of last month; the same can be said of the press gangs, which must have filled their quota!)

John and Josiah attend the stalls and practised their fencing and swordsmanship skills. Pavel was seen in a carriage with Alice touring the city before leaving the boundaries of London for a picnic in the country side.

Wayne treated Rebecca to the Opera, in a more normal coach this time so as to make up for the excess of the last weeks!

Jonah was no where to be seen this month leading to rumours of him turning into a recluse? Also a strange rumour of Fernando Feghoot wanting to retire to the country abound and planning to donate all his money to some sort of fund? When we know more of these stories we will inform our good readers…..

I am hoping to be a new member of Lloyds this month and to celebrate the event I am holding parties in weeks 1, 2 and 3.

A quiet party with drinks and pleasant conversation is this weeks event. All cost paid by my good self...

A mans night, no ladies allowed. Rude jokes and drinking a must, plus some sort of exotic entertainment for all to marvel at. Again I will pay all costs...

Charity night. For every one who turns up I will donate an equal amount in cash to a deserving orphanage . Please bring your ladies to make this a good turn out. All costs paid by me...

Dear John,
Sorry I cannot join, as my Joss brought me on board HMS Salisbury and I am going blockade-runner-hunting this month. Should you have need of my two cute Chinese servants for week 2, you can ask Ophelia to send them over.
Damn, my sleeping cod in the officers mass of Richard Lionheart was bigger then the whole aftercastle of this ship, and my cabin window goes nearly underwater every time she hauls over. Better stop writing and make sure to get my next promotion off this little bucket.

Captain Jack Sandwich invites all qualified officers
and able body sailors to apply for a berth abroad the
102 gun HMS RICHARD LIONHEART. But act quickly lads
for she hosts the blue peter next month!

Dear Captain Sandwich,

The HMS RICHARD LIONHEART is a very fine vessel which I had the pleasure to serve on for many months. Please receive my congratulations for taking her command after she is out of the docks. Unfortunately I will not join again as Lieutenant, though, because I was "blessed" with the command of a sloop last month.
But maybe we could find a way to cooperate in bringing some heavily laden Frenchman into our possession, combining my little ships swiftness and your ships unearthly firepower. I'd be honoured to rendezvouz with LIONHEART out there and do some coordinated action.

May God bless you and your ship,
Tyler Brock
Master and Commander, HMS Salisbury

PS: Watch her closely when trying to sail on a tight rear-afterly point of sailing with medium to strong winds. She can buckle like an Arabian steed.

Court martial