Everyone knows that the Revenue Service is understaffed, underpaid, ... and underrated. Still, it doesn't happen every day that a Revenue Service officer boldly steps on the deck of a first-rate and demands (practically at gunpoint) the Navy's help in pursuit of smugglers. But when the smuggler in question is the notorious Wolf Tone (formerly a prominent member of the United Irishmen) and when said smuggler has taken the wife of the chairman of the Honourable Company as hostage and is holed up in one of the numerous Martello towers infesting the coastline of South England ... well, any of these circumstances would probably be sufficient to excuse the officer's somewhat exasperating attitude; taken together, however, they were quite enough to make the captain not only lend him his complement of Marines but to put himself at the head of a party of the ship's most hardy barroom brawlers in support of the undertaking. Nor were the ship's officers (including her surgeon) slow in following their captain's example. In fact, the medico's presence proved to be of key importance, since he made the suggestion to throw glass ampoules filled with tincture of laudanum (a wellknown soporific) into the windows of the tower where Wolf Tone was holed up. Of course, the smugglers immediately tried to close these holes ... but this proved their undoing and half an hour later some sonorous snoring announced the fact that every man (and woman) inside was deeply asleep. To climb through the windows and to arrest the smugglers was but the task of a few moments, and the parties soon removed to the nearest village - the Revenue men to put their captives behind iron bars, the officers to put Lady Featherstone into the next coach to London. Their reward for this good deed was not slow in coming, either - handsome purses of several hundred guineas for every officer involved.
Thirty leagues to the East, HMS Salisbury and HMS Sauve Qui Peut were also chasing a smuggler, but the lack of a Revenue officer to exhort JOG and his merry band to greater effort soon made itself felt. Even MAD, once more on detached duty, was not able to turn the tide of events, although he and JB (who had joined the RM after several unsuccessful attempts to join a ship) did at least fire in the general direction of the escaping boat, unlike the rest of the ship's guns - the unfortunate result of a slip of the tongue by the first officer, who after sixteen years at sea still seems to have trouble to distinguish port from starboard! What's more, the unlucky broadside went off at the exact moment when HMS Sauve Qui Peut was trying to overhaul her sister ship on the lee side. Fired on the downward roll and loaded with round shot it holed HMS Sauve Qui Peut several times "between wind and water" and one ball cut an innocent-looking line ... which was, however, the line DOR relied on to keep him afloat while checking the rudder pintles personally - despite the fact that he could not swim! R.I.P.! Later, the ship's company agreed that bravery was very well unless taken to extremes, but they also agreed that DOR had been a decent commander and that they had liked serving under him.

Meanwhile, thousands of leagues to the South ... somewhere off Cape Town, EIC Shangri La and EIC Fedorov shared the same wind ... or, to be more precise, the lack of it. Both ships laid becalmed within sight of each other, but the humid heat did not encourage visits between ships. The sole visitor aboard EIC Shangri La was the captain of EIC Fedorov, who promptly won 200 guineas off his opposite number by betting that his CHâteau Lafitte '74 would stand up well even in this heat ... and told his steward to open two dozen bottles to prove it. A handsome gesture, indeed. PC, JOS and JH all were on watch and could only listen to the merryment in the captain's cabin; nor did they manage to wheedle a remaining bottle from the captain's steward afterwards! Poor chaps, they had to contend themselves with the fact that they would be closer to their destination by a third at the end of the month.

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So the month of October arrives and with it comes the beginning of the winter months. However London still is alive with the sounds of swords clashing and swishing through the air, but more of that later. Here is the news……

Week one started with a party at Dolphins hosted by JWK and his lady. The guests arrived at various intervals these were WS & Sue, RTM & Moll, RP & Doris, EQ, MW, PP & Alice. MW arrived in a coach looking suitably “ one uppish ” about it

The evening went swimmingly, fine food, wine and suitable companions as well as pleasant conversation, what more could one ask for? At the end of the night the guests all lined and said goodbye to their hosts, thanking them for a pleasant evening.

Also this week saw a lot of courting; thankfully Miss Woodhouse was put firmly out of bounds by Ian Steel, who won here over. Lady Isabella was swept off her feet by AG ( I think the vast amount of presents he heaped on the Lady had some thing to do with it, whether he can do that every month remains to be seen!) However other Gentlemen were not so lucky and were turned flat or had the door slammed in their face, these unlucky Gentlemen were JM, AB, and TB.

HD lived dangerously and tried to woo Joan, however JWK had some thing to say about that! (Another early morning next month no doubt). WC tried to woo Joan Fullins and found him self face to face with HJ on the door step!

NH stayed clear of trouble and practised his sabre all week, so did TOM and SAB. Meanwhile SAM partied all week in his club by himself.

Thus like a fine bottle of port at the end of the night we saw the last drops off and that was the end of that bottle….sorry the first week of the month.

The second week approach like a rather dull French wine too early to the bottle and not enough body….

What's this I thought as I looked at my social calendar for the week, no parties, what is London coming to, we could do with some of Mr O'Groats and Jocks parties that would put a swing into the week I tell you. However let's see who is about and what they are up to?

Well WS, RTM, RP, IS and NH all went of and practised their sword play, while poor old TOM and MW are on board doing their duties. JM went out and about to woo Pamela Huntingdown-Jones and rather successfully I heard! JWK tried to woo Flora de Bries, but she outright refused him and to make matters worse Sophia found out and dumped him! WC and HJ found them selves on the door step of Joan Fullins AGAIN ! TB got the rather cold shoulder from Rosemary Stilton-Major. AG and PP opted to visit their clubs, so did SAB, JS and Lady Elizabeth.

Other Gentlemen went south side these were, EQ, SAM, HD and BL. As EQ left Southside he fell prey to the Press Gangs and was shipped off to sea smartish!

A rather uneventful week as I said and so as it deserved the bottle was up ended into the drains and thus ended the wee

The third week arrived with a pop like some expensive champagne thanks to PP who organised a party at his club, Lloyds.

Those attending this bash were, WS & Sue, RTM & Moll, RP & Doris, SAM , SAB, EQ, JWK ,MW, IS, WC, AB, TOM and HJ. All arrived promptly no doubt the lack of parties last week played a part in this!

There was plenty of fine food and wine on hand as well as fine cigars for the men. At the end of the night while every one was comfy PP regaled them with the story of how he ended up in London. I have reproduced it below for all to read:

I came from Bohemia Moravia (Olmütz exactly). I grew up (as far as one can say “grew up” being 1.68m tall) and he graduated. I always loved the sea and I studied the history of British Naval Captains! Therefore I went on to learn English and started to study nautical matters. A few years ago I bought a fishing ship and sailed to England. I first visited the smaller towns of England and did odd jobs to earn my keep. Then I travelled to London and joined the Navy . The rest so far is history .

The story was punctuated with him saying sorry for his bad English, but every thought he did splendid!

He showed maps and pictures of his homeland, displayed on boards brought in by servants and placed where all could see. Thus all in all a very entertaining and educational party.

Other events in London were, NH practising his sword play. AG visited his club with Lady Isabella on his arm. TB arranged a do at his club for all his ships officers, plus selected guests these were JM, HD and BL. JS tried to invite TB and JWK to his club but ended up alone with Lady Elizabeth who said it did not matter she preferred just the 2 of them!

Thus we sadly saw the bottle that was week 3 finished and so onto week 4…..

Week 4 could be compared to a decent Spanish wine, not to every ones taste but its free so who is complaining……

This week saw AG hosting the party in his club The Dolphin. Again this was very well attended, those showing their face where: WS & Sue, RTM & Moll, SAM, EQ, MW, IS, HD, AB, PP & Alice, BL, NH, TOM, HJ and TOM. Again all arrived promptly and with decorum.

AG hinted that the end of night discussion would be given by a guest who sat at his table, but enlightened us no further. ( These end of nights speeches seem to becoming all the rage now!) There was food aplenty and of a very good standard as well, the drink was fine and the company entertaining. As soon as every one was settled AG introduced his guest speaker a priest who then preceded to give them all a talk on Luther and his life. He covered the Reformation when Luther nailed his 95 Thesis on the door of the church in Wittenburg. Once he had finished every one had a short discussion about the relative merits of Lutherism, etc. All agreed it was very interesting and commended AG on an interesting night.

The rest of London who did not attend did the following: TB courted Prudence Petterson and won her heart! WC went Southside and made it home safely! SAB practised his swordplay JM visited the Opera with Pamela though JM caused some damage when he first fell on a chair and it collapsed, then tripped down the stairs and pulled the banister off at the bottom, not a good night for JM!

JS held a small do at his club and invited JWK, who enjoyed him selve at his expense!

That was week 4 and the end of the wine cellar!

Other things of note this month included, MAD volunteered for HMS Salisbury, SAM applied to become his ships adjutant. SAB applies for his Lt on HMS Glenmoranie but only gets his Midshipman, so does MW. JB joins the Royal Marines on HMS Salisbury. AG gets appointed as a Committee Member Patriotic Fund. SAM buys his LT on HMS Alexander.

Finally TOM joins AG on his ship and is made Captains steward.

The London Gazette Sports Supplement

Welcome to the 2nd edition of the London Gazette sports supplement, in this section of The Gazette we will bring you the latest news of any and all contests and sporting events taking place within the City of London and environs.

As you all know, the taking of matters into one's own hands is something that is frowned upon in this country – and so well it should be, but that is not to say that two gentlemen of good standing cannot settle their differences in the manner of a sporting contest, and it is with that in mind that we at The Gazette have decided to publish reports of such events for the information of our readers.

Disclaimer – The report contained within these pages was viewed by our reporter as a sporting contest and The Gazette accepts no responsibility if it was actually a duel. We will not be held accountable for encouraging such illegal activities, and we strongly endorse the work of the Admiralty in discouraging such events .

************

The Gazettes reporter attended many “ Sporting” contests through out London below is his report in his words….

I attend what was supposed to be a contest between Sir Miles and 2 other Gentlemen, these being Wesley Silver and Baron Sandwich. H owever I waited in vain as neither Sir Miles or both Baron Sandwich and Wesley chose not to turn up for the contest, very disappointing I must say!

Next I visited the location of the contest between Baron Sandwich and 3 other Gentlemen, these being Baron Goodman, and Mathew Walker. However Baron Sandwich fails to show and thus both gentlemen are left to take tots from their hip flasks and finally return to their clubs.

Next I was at the location of the Roger Pugwasher and Bartholomew Locke. At last a contest! These 2 while only Gentlemen and not titled or anything put up a good show. They met, exchanged a handshake and then set about it with gusto, well Roger did, in a great flourish and with speed he set about Bartholomew so much so that Bartholomew could scarce defend him self. With a rush he set about Bartholomew hitting him 5 times while not receiving any strikes back. This was all too much for Bartholomew, who surrendered with out further ado. Both shook hands and Bartholomew complimented Roger on his sword play. For the experts amongst you Roger was using a Sabre whilst Bartholomew was using a cutlass.

Next up was James Macleane against 3 gentlemen, these being Heneage Dundas, Ashby Bower and Ian Steel. He waited in vain for any of the 3 above named Gentlemen to appear. We exchanged pleasantries for while then we both agreed to leave as they were not going to appear.

Next was Ashby Bower and Ian Steel (so this is where they were!) Now this tuned out to be something of a slugfest as it is known around the city. Both were using cutlasses so it was extremely hard going. For almost an hour they ranged back wards and forwards trying to get an angle of attack. It was only when Ashby was too severely wounded and surrendered that the battle came to an end over 1 hour later! A truly titanic battle and well fought.

Next was William Cooke against Huw Jorgens. Both gentlemen were using sabres. They shook hands lunged at each other and hit! Then Cooke surrendered! Very short and sweet.

The rest of the next few contests were very disappointing with no one turning up, well these Gentlemen did not for a start, Wesley Silver, Ashby Bower, Ian Steel all failed to show leaving their contestants Sir Miles, Matthew Walker, Baron Goodman and James Macleane. Both Baron Goodman and Mathew Walker also waited for separate contests but had no shows as well.

During the early part of the month I took a poll of all those I met asking if Sir Brook and Baron Kerr should seek satisfaction. Every one said yes. I found said Gentlemen and informed them of the result where upon they agreed to meet.

The gentlemen from all the other contests arrived to watch this one as there was much talk as to who was the better swordsman. Both of them met shook hands and set to. This was a lively contest with both sides hitting each other during the contest (of at least 45 minutes) it was obvious by 30 minutes the Sir Brock was the better swordsman, while Baron Kerr seemed to have more than his fare share of lucky hits on Sir Brock. It was only after being hit for the 8th time that Baron Kerr surrendered to Sir Brock. All agreed it was a very good contest and a few watchers were seen handing over small sums of money to each other.

Thus the end of the contests came to end and my job was over. It obvious that a good many Gentlemen need to sort out their personal matters, as it was embarrassing that so many failed to turn up at the appointed time and place. I later found out that Baron Sandwich had kept the Port Admiral busy with an extremely fine meal and various fine bottles of Port so as to not interfere with the “contests.“.

--- FIN---

Letters

Sir, after my first favourable impression of your good self it's a shame that it has come to this. Meeting like criminals in the dead of morning when normally its only the low life of our fair city who are not a' bed. To make matters worse the lady in question is not even worth shedding good blood over! Well they do say love is blind and I guess that must go for lust as well.

I hope that when this disagreeable matter is settled we can have a drink at my club.

Many thanks for your kind invitation to your party. I would like to express my gratitude to your good self for the faith you placed in me when accepting my petition to join the Waakzamheit. It was much more than I deserved and in knowledge of this I strive every day to give you the best possible service.

Sirs, my apologies for my recent tardiness in replying to letters and invitations, I must admit to of late being preoccupied with the passing of my father. This may explain the strange scene some of you may have noticed in the harbour when earlier this week I set out in a vessel which I can only describe as laughably unseaworthy to scatter the ashes upon the sea. The vessel was only just less seaworthy than myself at the time and the both of us were almost lost at sea when I accidentally drifted across a cannon firing exercise, truth be told a bow chaser did for the vessel and I had to abandon ship and swim for shore like a wet frog.

Sir,

with your permission I'll buy a midshipman's commission this month. This will enable me to apply for the position of your secretary. If you could see fit to relieve me from my share of ship duties I would be able to attend your party in week 4 as well as meet with my former captain (and shipmates) in week 1 - and still get in two weeks of fencing practice. I look forward to your reply and remain

your most humble servant

Matthew Walker

Dear Mr. Walker,

you may buy the commission and I will appoint you as my secretary!

Best regards

Baron Andrew Goodman

Sir I shall be there. Perhaps after I have shown thee the mistake thee made thee would care to join me at moi Club fer a drink to finally settle matters? Make it next month at a time of mutual convenience?

Thank you very much for the invitation to your splendid party last month. I am truly happy I didn't miss this one. Especially seeing you together with your new girlfriend, Prudence Petterson, was a sight, you two seem to be made for each other.
This brings me to the point of my letter: I was thinking this month if I could be so bold to try my luck with Lady Isabella, and I would not like to cause a lot of commotion and loss of face for her by having officers crowding her door. Can I assume that you are happy with Prudence and will not join me at Lady Isabella's door? Please forgive my lack of finesse asking you this directly but I think discussing this in advance will save us a lot of potential trouble later!
Please give my regards to Miss Petterson,

Sir Tyler Brock
Captain HMS Berwickshire

Dear Sir Brock,

thank you for your kind words. It was really a good and well visited party and all enjoyed it much! Sadly my own business prevented me from visiting
your Chineese party. All I can read and hear it was also a well organized party with a dowdy end. Of cause Baron Kerr has to pay for that!

Remembering your action in February this year I would recommend that you are the one to stand down for me and not vice versa, Sir! You may court Prudence if I was successful with Lady Isabella.

Yours

Baron Andrew Goodman

Dear Baron Goodman, Sir,

It hurts me to think that we should fight for Lady Isabella, more so as this would probably only make third parties profit. But if I step down for you, could you do me a little favor in return?
I am not asking for much - I see that you applied for Commitee Member, in actuality I plan the same for the next coming month. Given that your application is successful, can you use your favor to help me
to also join this circle of fine gentlemen? That would rid me of the necessity to secure Lady Isabellas influence on my behalf. If you promise me this favor, I promise to stay out of your way.

Hope we can reach an agreement between gentlemen and toast in Button's next month,

Brock

Dear Sir Brock,

I will use my favor for your application if you stay out of way on the door of Lady Isabella. That agreement between gentleman can be reached without any doubt!

Hope to see you in the Dolphin this month (4th week) and in Button's next month!

Yours

Baron Andrew

The London Gazette Sports Supplement

Court martial