Current Briny en Garde Turn Report

A fter the hurly-burly of events last month, this month proved something of an anticlimax as far as the captain and officers of HMS Droits de l'Homme were concerned. Most of them had been served subpoenas as witnesses in the trial of Wolfe Tone, the infamous smuggler and leader of the United Irismen. Security was as tight as it could be and waiting on a wooden bench for hours until one would be called in to give evidence proved surprisingly tedious. In fact, nearly everybody seemed to have enjoyed a good snooze (seamen are legendary for being able to catch forty winks anytime and anywhere) except for her 3 rd Lieutenant ... who kept scribbling in his notebook and sold the fruits of his labour to a leading London paper for 300 guineas. When the first articles appeared a few days later the Admiralty leaned heavily on the Lord Mayor to close down the premises and offered the enterprising lieutenant a promotion to shut him up.

Cruising off Cape Creux in heavy weather , HMS Salisbury met with the French „Les Miserables“ of 74 guns. JOG immediately ordered preventer stays rigged and closed with the enemy, taking full advantage of the increased maneouvrability during the ensuing fight. Having chosen the leeward position initially to stop „Les Miserables“ from opening the gun ports of her lower tier, JOG managed to cross her bow twice, but was disappointed to see how little effect his fire had on the sturdily built Frenchman and finally decided to board her instead. MAD was the first to reach the Frenchman's quarterdeck and sought out the French captain, shouting: „Rongdee-voo, Mister, rongdee-voo toot sweet!“. This astonishing display of language skills (coupled with his ferocious mien and the huge bloodstained sabre in his hands) rapidly dispelled any notion of resistance and while JOG received the French captain's rapier the MAD and his Marines were already hurrying the French crew below. Not surprisingly, this fight was the talk of the service for the next days and considered to stand in a line with the capture of the Cacafuego by captain Aubrey. The Patriotic Society immediately sent JOG a purse with 1100 guineas, whereas the Army remained content to award MAD another bauble ... er, decoration.

Meanwhile, RTM seemed to have gotten bored by the inexplicable lack of French frigates eager to exchange their snug anchorage at Brest for the freezing snowstorms prevalent in the Channel at this time of the year. Lying off the Isle of Sheppey he decided to do something novel. A little later the nearby town of Sheerness was festooned with billboards announcing the first ever Walking-The-Plank Championship. News of the doings of „Captain Cutlass & His Merry Band of Cutthroats“ even made it to London (via the Maidenstone coach) and the newspapers had another field day. For his ingenious idea RTM was knighted by a grateful King and given plenty of front page room in the next issue of the „Gazette“. Only later did somebody notice that X28, the only „victim“ ever to walk Captain Cutlas‘ plank, was unaccountably left to die of pneumonia in the icy waters. R.I.P. His body was brought to London on board E.I.C. Shangri-La ,vbut the knot slipped when the coffin was hoisted off her forecastle and that, as her captain said, was about the most notable thing that had happened to them on their journey back to London.

On the other side of the world, E.I.C. Fedorov made a very pretty landfall and the old hands among her officers and crew were soon seen haggling with the locals for the goods they had brought with them. Her captain managed to sell half the gunroom's supply of steel knives for no less than 600 guineas but was outdone by her midshipman N7 who sold the other half for 900 guineas! Faced with such competitiors, JoS and JH could only gape at them with awe ...!

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London looked very dowdy this month as winter began to stretch is cloak over it, however there was still a few bright spots about where sunshine managed to reach the social elite ……

Sir Brock organises a party in his new club Buttons as he says the Dolphin is sooo last year……

The following attended AM, WS, RP + Doris, BL, JS + Lady Elizabeth, MW, AG + Lady Isabella, PP + Alice. However there was some sort of scuffle near the doors of Buttons as some ships Officers met and exchanged cards, these were AG, MW, AM vs. JS and AG, MW, AM vs. WS for being ship enemies ( Hopefully these gentleman will attend next month and save my reporter from turning into an alcoholic as I hear he has bought a bigger hip flask! - Ed) Tyler was seen to be proud as punch to be the first of the three tops of the society to host a party in the “ new ” club. It was time to leave the overrun club Dolphin's; it seems to be public domain…

Together with AG and JS TB inaugurates the new club with a toast to the King. Then all other guests were allowed to join these three and ‘Beefeater's Gin' flowed like water. Later that evening the horror-stricken owner of the club saw the boozed TB getting a menu card and writes ‘ additions and suggestions' on it: mainly Chinese meals such as ‘ General Chow's Chicken' and ‘ Fortune cookies' . The owner reminded him that as a new member he can quite quickly return to Dolphins if he carries on like this , Buttons , he pointed out is a much more superior club and will not put up with common riff raff scrawling on the menu cards!

Every one agreed it was a splendid parry and were very grateful for an invitation to such an elite club.

During the week others were out a'courting as they say, WC tried to court Mary Lamb, but she listened then slammed the door in his face! SAB courted Gwendolyn Hotspur and she was disgusted with the pittance of a present he brought to her! JWK courted Jennifer Usher, again she too was not impressed with the gifts ( seems the ladies are getting picky!) SAM visited his own club much preferring the peace and quiet of his own company, so did TOM. AML and JB do their duties aboard ship. While NH visits the stalls to practice his sabre.

BB ‘visited' Southside and rumours are heard the he was caught by a press gang…

Week 2 floats on the ground like an early morning mist hinting at a sunny day, but will it live up to it…….apparently not!

A very quiet week and a boring to be honest. TB practises his cutlass and also organises a Mutiny Defeat Offers v sailors, which turns into a bloody brawl as some of the crew get carried away with it. Also practising his sword play is RP, BL, NH and AML. Others had the fortune to do their ships duty these were, `WC, JB, IS, SAB and TOM, WS tried to attend PP's club, but the OOD at the gang plank reminded him he was on duty and stopped him leaving!

PP hosted a party at his club, unfortunately no one turned up… or is he being black balled? AB visited his club as did SAM, JS and AG. MW visited Southside and escaped the footpads. Meanwhile AM courted Ophelia and she declared her undying love for him! ( Rumour has it he hired a painter to do her portrait as well!) JWK tried to woo Jennifer again, that door in the face is surely beginning to hurt him as that is twice now.

So week 2 stayed misty and kept every one in doors, let's hope week 3 is a better one…

Ah week 3 arrives like the breaking of the storm and the sunlight streams through the clouds with birds singing and a gentle breeze ruffling our hair…..

Baron Goodman, the saviour of the social scene throws a party for all and sundry.

The Baron and lady Isabella greeted all at the door to the club and handed out free drinks to them. This is definitely THE place to be seen as virtually all of London's social crowd are here. Those attending are: SAM, AM + Ophelia , TB + Prudence , RP + Doris, BL, MW, IS + ( The now famous ) Emma, TOM, JB, WC, PP + Alice, NH + Betty, SAB, AB, JWK, AML. The Baron ensures that every one has a drink and that all the ladies are sitting comfortably before he introduces a fellow of Baron Robert Clive who tells the story of the siege of the citadel of Arcot:

Raja Sahib proceeded to invest the fort, which seemed quite incapable of sustaining a siege. The walls were ruinous, the ditches dry, the ramparts too narrow to admit the guns, and the battlements too low to protect the soldiers. The little garrison had been greatly reduced by casualties. It now consisted of 120 Europeans and 200 sepoys. Only four officers were left, the stock of provisions was scanty, and the commander who had to conduct the defence under circumstances so discouraging was a young man of five and twenty, who had been bred as a book-keeper. During fifty days the siege went on, and the young captain maintained the defence with a firmness, vigilance and ability which would have done honour to the oldest marshal in Europe. The breach, however, increased day by day. Under such circumstances, any troops so scantily provided with officers might have been expected to show signs of insubordination; and the danger was peculiarly great in a force composed of men differing widely from each other in extraction, colour, language, manners and religion. But the devotion of the little band to its chief surpassed anything that is related of the Tenth Legion of Caesar. The sepoys came to Clive, not to complain of their scanty fare, but to propose that all the grain should be given to the Europeans, who required more nourishment than the natives of Asia. The thin gruel, they said, which was strained away from the rice would suffice for themselves. History contains no more touching instance of military fidelity, or of the influence of a commanding mind. An attempt made by the governor of Madras to relieve the place had failed; but there was hope from another quarter. A body of 3000 Mahrattas, half soldiers, half robbers, under the command of a chief named Murari Rao had been hired to assist Mahommed Au; but thinking the French power irresistible, and the triumph of Chanda Sahib certain, they had hitherto remained inactive on the frontiers of the Carnatic. The fame of the defence of Arcot roused them from their torpor; Murari Rao declared that he had never before believed that Englishmen could fight, but that he would willingly help them since he saw that they had spirit to help themselves. Raja Sahib learned that the Mahrattas were in motion, and it was necessary for him to be expeditious. He first tried negotiations - he offered large bribes to Clive, which were rejected with scorn; he vowed that if his proposals were not accepted, he would instantly storm the fort, and put every man in it to the sword. Clive told him, in reply, with characteristic haughtiness, that his father was a usurper, that his army was a rabble, and that he would do well to think twice before he sent such poltroons into a breach defended by English soldiers. Raja Sahib determined to storm the fort. The day was well suited to a bold military enterprise. It was the great Muslim festival, the Muharram, which is sacred to the memory of Husain, the son of Ali ibn Ali Talib. Clive had received secret intelligence of the design, had made his arrangements, and, exhausted by fatigue, had thrown himself on his bed. He was awakened by the alarm, and was instantly at his post. The enemy advanced, driving before them elephants whose foreheads were armed with iron plates. It was expected that the gates would yield to the shock of these living battering-rams. But the huge beasts no sooner felt the English musket balls than they turned round and rushed furiously away, trampling on the multitude which had urged them forward. A raft was launched on the water which filled one part of the ditch. Clive perceiving that his gunners at that post did not understand their business, took the management of a piece of artillery himself, and cleared the raft in a few minutes. Where the moat was dry, the assailants mounted with great boldness; but they were received with a fire so heavy and so well directed, that it soon quelled the courage even of fanaticism and of intoxication. The rear ranks of the English kept the front ranks supplied with a constant succession of loaded muskets, and every shot told on the living mass below. The struggle lasted about an hour; 400 of the assailants fell; the garrison lost only five or six men. The besieged passed an anxious night, looking for a renewal of the attack. But when day broke, the enemy were no more to be seen. They had retired, leaving to the English several guns and a large quantity of ammunition.

Those present cheered at the end of it and applauded, it was a fine story and many were impressed with it.

Baron Andrew now proceeded to get every one to the food which was Indian in keeping with the story, curries and other dishes were assembled before the guests and all remarked at the wonderful aroma coming from them. All in all a good night was had by all, even if some of the food was a little hot to the palette, which encouraged the drinking of much wine and ale to quench the burning in the throat!

Mean while WS tried to slip ashore to attend the party, but the Duty officer reminded him he was on duty this week!

Week 4 arrived as quickly as a sea fret on the North Yorkshire coast and stayed all week……

So who was the party holder this week? Ell JS hosted a party for all of a certain stature, those attending where, WS and Sue, RP and Doris, PP and Alice as well as JWK, MW tried to enter but he was barred at the door on JS orders. A meal and drinks were to be had as well as a prize draw where every one put on 20 Guineas each. At the end of the night a draw was made for the lucky person to see who won it and it was ……………………JWK! PP brought a bottle of Slivovitz, which tradition demanded be drunk before the end of the night, quite a few helped on that one! JS did appear a bit tipsy as a result of this by the way!

Others out an about this week are SAM, TOM, JB, SAB and AML all went Southside. Unfortunately SAM was a victim of the footpads who took all his money! The rest got home safely….

TB is seen swinging from the Yard Arm not by his neck we hasten to add, but practising his Pirate Blocking slashing wildly at his crew in the shrouds, the cabin boy plays the part of the parrot!

AM was on duty. NH is seen in the stalls practising his sword skills. AG contends himself by visiting his club with Lady Isabella.

Well AM bought a midshipman on the SY, he also bought a horse, then joined Lloyds. TB gets to become CMPF! BL buys a LT and a horse. MW buys a LT as well as applying to become Adjutant.

IS buys a LT., but fails as he has no horse. TOM buys a LT and a horse. PP buys 2 horses, but has to wait as he wants them from his home country! AB buys Lt on GL. RTM buys the M&C on HMS SQP.

The London Gazette Sports Supplement

Welcome to the 2nd edition of the London Gazette sports supplement, in this section of The Gazette we will bring you the latest news of any and all contests and sporting events taking place within the City of London and environs.

As you all know, the taking of matters into one's own hands is something that is frowned upon in this country – and so well it should be, but that is not to say that two gentlemen of good standing cannot settle their differences in the manner of a sporting contest, and it is with that in mind that we at The Gazette have decided to publish reports of such events for the information of our readers.

Disclaimer – The report contained within these pages was viewed by our reporter as a sporting contest and The Gazette accepts no responsibility if it was actually a duel. We will not be held accountable for encouraging such illegal activities, and we strongly endorse the work of the Admiralty in discouraging such events .

Our reporter went to many scheduled meets this first week of the month, but alas he was sadly disappointed, more below ….

The first bout was between JWK and HD, I waited, and waited and waited a little more, but neither Gentleman turned up!

I went to the next meeting and found WC ready and warming up, but sadly no sign of HJ. We chatted a while, had a sip from my hip flask then decided to call it off as he had still not shown….

The next 2 meetings was the same as my first, AG vs. WS and MW vs. WS. No one turned up for these as well.

The last one was between TOM and WS. TOM was there swishing about with his blade and looking ready but again no sign of WS. After a while I suggested we call it time as he was not going to show, we shook hands and left.

I must say I was very disappointed at the poor showing of those who did not attend to defend their honour. I dearly hope this is not the trend for the future, other wise I will be out of a job!

Dear Sir, I would like to offer my heart felt thanks for inviting me to your party. It means alot to be considered and of course I will attend.

My Lord, I can hardly believe your kind invitation and I will attend your no doubt splendid party as will my mistress who I hope will not disgrace herself too badly.

My Lord, Cards and cups, two of my favourite past times and a pure joy to combine the two. Please accept my attendance to your party and consider me honoured to be invited by one such as yourself.

To Major Sir Miles Attenborough-Davis, Royal Marines,

I have certainly given the Marines some thought, and once I have increased my interest with society, I shall certainly have to consider whether to join
the men in Red or Blue.

Until then, my months will be spent in bettering myself however I may.

Once more, my thanks for your gathering.

Neville Hunter

To Mr. Neville Hunter

It was a pleasure to me to meet such a guest of knowledge and wit as you are. I hope we will met once again either on board of ship or next September in lovely London.
If you are still looking for a way to start your naval career - have you ever thought of joining the Royal Marines?
It would be a pleasure to me to lend you a helping hand.
For King and country

Miles Attenborough-Davis

Court martial

None

Duels

AG and JS have mutual cause for being ship's enemies met week 1!

MW and JS have mutual cause for being ship's enemies met week 1!

AM and JS have mutual cause for being ship's enemies met week 1!

AG and WS have mutual cause for being ship's enemies met week 1!

MW and WS have mutual cause for being ship's enemies met week 1!

AM and WS have mutual cause for being ship's enemies met week 1!