Current Briny en Garde Turn Report

In the court of Old Bailey, the trial of Wolf Tone was still in full cry. Counsel for the defence had just announced his intention to call several more witnesses, but while the subpoenas were still being written out AG's mistress was seen leaving the court in a hurry to pay a visit to a number of gentlemen high on the defending counsel's list. At each stop, her message was brief and to the point – resign your position or face cross-examination! Several gentlemen did take her advice, among them the Brigade General and the Lieutenant-Colonel of the RM as well as the captains of HMS Fiddler's Green and HMS Bellerophone ; Others, among them the captain of HMS Belle Poule , did not. Deprived of several key witnesses, the officers of HMS Droits de L'Homme once more had to bear the full brunt of the defence's exertions, and the strain showed more strongly in some than in others. Her captain gave a particularly bad performance in the box and was nearly reduced to tears., while her 3 rd lieutenant just stated his name, rank and serial number before falling mute. On the other hand, both her 1 st lieutenant and her colonel RM came up with some ingenious repartee which was lapped up by the press (purses of 700 and 400 guineas respectively). The captain of HMS Halcyon did his best to emulate their example but developed a slight stammer and had to be content with 250 guineas. Outside the building, the captain RM of HMS Fiddler's Green could be seen waiting for his captain (apparently ignorant of the fact that the latter had just resigned his position), standing very much to attention and saluting everything in sight – drunk as a lord, of course, but since he didn't utter a single word nobody noticed and his fine bearing was remarked upon by a number of passing ladies (purse of 300 guineas, please).

Meanwhile, the responsibility for the defence of the realm was resting on the able shoulders of the captains of the ships of the blue squadron, and resting very comfortably indeed. As the senior captain, AG had taken MS Sheik Yassouf and HMS Waakzamheit up north towards the Orkneys, a very foggy region at this time of the year ... but, lo and behold, nearly as soon as they got there they heard the sound of guns firing at regular intervals and when the fog had lifted a bit the French convoy hove in sight, right on HMS Waakzamheit 's larboard quarter. Needless to say, our Tars fell upon the Frogs like a ton of bricks and there was standing room only in the cookie jar. HMS Waakzamheit soon closed the distance and JWK managed to secure himself a purse of 900 guinea, a MiD and a new title (Viscount) while his 1 st lieutenant won a posthumous MiD. RP, NH, WC, JA and JB did the best they could but to no avail – better luck next time, boys! HMS Sheik Yassouf didn't lag much behind and AG got 700 guineas, a promotion (Rear Admiral Blue) and a new title (Viscount) out of it; both his 1 st and his 3 rd lieutenant got their eagerly looked-for promotions to HMS Charybdis and HMS Scylla , while MW and AM took purses with 300 and 250 guineas respectively. TOM managed to fill his pockets with nearly 700 guineas but his boundless greed was noticed and as a result he nearly got landed with a title as well (shock, horror!). SAS – who had only found 600 guineas so far – decided to investigate the inside of a rum barrel for hidden treasure and was promptly overcome by the noxious fumes. R.I.P.! MAD also had a lucky escape and managed to dodge another title but except for a MiD he didn't find much loot and was heard complaining loudly that one fat Frenchmen had gotten clean away. ... Only to fall into the hands of the blockading squadron coming up from its cruising ground off the Dutch coast. Unfortunately, both JOG and his 1 st lieutenant had dined on oysters the previous evening and they weren't feeling too fit. On the other hand, new boy EQ in the main top of HMS Salisbury and her 2 nd lieutenant expelled themselves and were rewarded with a promotion each. Not to be outdone, HMS Sauve Qui Peut followed her sister ship into the fray and RTM personally stood at the wheel until his ship was right across the bow of the Frenchman! This feat of seamanship earned him a promotion to captain of HMS Bellerophone and he will spend the rest of the season in London! Volunteer AB also did very well and was rewarded by being promoted to M&C on the spot while BB was at least mentioned in dispatches.

On the other side of the world, E.I.C. Fedorov left the delights of Bombay harbour behind her and a good part of her crew as well as some officers disgraced themselves by being sick – such are the evils of a prolonged stay ashore! JoS didn't, however, and was rewarded by a parting gift of 900 guineas.

---------FIN-----------

So the month of December arrives and with it Christmas and gifts for all, even me. On the first week of Christmas my true love sent to me, A Partridge in a Pear tree? What the hell am I supposed to do with this? Never mind I went and traded it for eight maids a milking and well worth it they were too!

Well TB was the host with the most this week hosting a fine party at his club. Those attending were; JS & Lady Elizabeth, PP & Alice lastly JM & Pamela. The invited were a select few of the London scene, having their invites sent by a boy runner from TB personally.

He met then all at the door with Prudence, who helped hand out drinks. The evening was a quiet affair with a nice meal and drinks to match. The conversation was well above the ordinary (Editor : you mean there was no mention of wenches and beer or bodily functions then?) It was a quiet evening and all made their way home safely after wards.

Mean while things were not so quiet elsewhere in London as WS turned up to pay court to Joan Fullins only to find HJ there as well, cards were exchanged I hear? Not too far down the next street BL in his best bib and tucker knocked on the door of Flora de Bries who opened the door and shut it just as fast as she saw him, poor blighter did not even get chance to make the speech he had rehearsed! However a few streets away SAB had more luck as his advances made Gwendolyn Hotspur, who declared she was in love! In his club IS wined and dined his Emma alone and they had a lovely dinner for 2 with candles and every thing. SAM opted to practise his sabre all week.

So the first week went and so did the eight milking maids, what a week I had……

On the second week of Christmas my true love sent to me, two Turtle Doves. More birds? Sold these as well for nine ladies dancing and very good they were too!

TB flushed with the success of his last party sends out invites again to the select few once more, these are: JS & Lady Elizabeth, PP & Alice lastly JM & Pamela. Once again the party focused on the finer things in life (Editor: what is finer than wenches and beer?) and the food was very good too. So at the end of the night feeling socially superior they all left with their noses in the air and went home. Meanwhile BL not put off by his experiences of last week once more knocked on the door of Flora de Bries, who this time meet him with a smile and said he had past the test and declared her undying love for him! HJ also not being one to give in easily went and knocked on the door of Joan Fullins, (making sure there was no one outside it first!) and was instantly rewarded with her affections. Down at the stalls SAB and IS got their weapons out and practised their skills! SAM went to his club to drink alone…

So week two past and my dancing ladies with it, I need a rest though me legs are killing me!

On the third week of Christmas my true love gave to me, three French Hens. Is she mad, French, they would lock me up for having these! Sold them sharpish to a butcher no questions asked and hired eleven Pipers piping to perform in the Pitt and get free drinks all week!

Once again the social elite other wise known as TB's Band of Brothers by the club staff, once more entered the club, this time BL and Flora were in attendance, reflecting BL's new found status in the upper circles. These 2 new souls were introduced into the inner circle and found them selves at home amongst the group instantly. Again they all let at the end of the night holding their heads in the air. The club manager ordered the door way swept clean and some rose petals put down as he was sure they all smelt some thing awful with their noses so high in the air!

HJ and his new lady, Joan went to his club to show of his prize. IS also went to his club with Emma for a quiet social evening together. SAB followed suit with Gwendolyn at his club proudly displaying here as though he had just caught a fine salmon from the Scottish rivers. SAM looked better as he managed to actually hit the target!

Week three went and so did my free drinks in the Pitt as did the Pipers, who went home for Hogmanay.

On the fourth week of Christmas my true love gave to me, 5 Gold Rings! Now this is more like it. Sold four and went Southside for the entire week, kept one ring for a rainy day.

One held by the Band of Brothers elite at TB's club whilst WS hosts his own with the following attending: IS & Emma, SAB& Gwendolyn and HJ & Joan. This group was referred to as “ Those not worthy ” by the Band of Brother elite. Both parties was a success but reports that “ Those not worthy” had a really good knees up (Editor: see beer and wenches are a good mix ) However there was a slight strained moment or two at WS's party as HJ turned up with Joan, who WS had abandoned in the first week of the month indicating he was tired of her affections!! SAM went Southside and enjoyed the company, he returned home safely was pleased to report (Editor: seems it is the season of Goodwill to all men after all!)

So week four went and so did my back from all that….oh hello Dear, yes Happy Christmas to you as well…..

The London Gazette Sports Supplement

Welcome to the 2nd edition of the London Gazette sports supplement, in this section of The Gazette we will bring you the latest news of any and all contests and sporting events taking place within the City of London and environs.

As you all know, the taking of matters into one's own hands is something that is frowned upon in this country – and so well it should be, but that is not to say that two gentlemen of good standing cannot settle their differences in the manner of a sporting contest, and it is with that in mind that we at The Gazette have decided to publish reports of such events for the information of our readers.

Disclaimer – The report contained within these pages was viewed by our reporter as a sporting contest and The Gazette accepts no responsibility if it was actually a duel. We will not be held accountable for encouraging such illegal activities, and we strongly endorse the work of the Admiralty in discouraging such events .

The meet of the week was TB Vs NH; a secret vote indicated that the competition would take place. MAD seconded NH whilst BL seconded TB. It started with a flourish TB taking the early lead with 6 hits whilst NH managed only 2 in reply. TB seemed easily in command of the game. Both scored another hit, then NH another, TB swishing close but no hit. Then in the last minute TB scored a hit at which point NH gave up. It was then that we all realised how close to death NH had come as he shirt was covered in blood! For the buffs amongst us TB used a Cutlass whilst NH used a Sabre.

Next was supposed to be a series of matches of JS Vs, AG, MW and finally AM. AM waited patiently but JS never showed neither did AG or MW! Shocking.

WS had matches against AG, AM and MW unfortunately WS waited in vain for AG and MW to show. However AM did turn up here is the report:

The first few rounds saw an evenly matched pair and so it went till the last round when WS scored whilst AM missed. At this point AM gave up. It as noticed that WS scored heavier cuts than AM. Both competitors seem about equal in my opinion. WS used his Sabre and AM used Rapier.

That was the competitions this week, again the lack of attendance was noticed and made much of the conversation afterwards. It is simply not on that a gentlemen doe not defend his honour, it a bad show.

Dear Captain Sandwich, Dear Captain Goodman!

A jolly good month we had with all our parties, I must say. Now the glitter of nobility and decorations fades a little and it gets more difficult to achieve further advancement in society...

How are the party plans for next month? If I would be in Button's paying all the drinks, would you do me the honor to accept an invitation in any or all of the weeks? Would be good to know for my planning.

On another note, we have to decide on whether or not our old friend O'Groats and a gentleman called Marlowe, who I do not know personally, get an invitation to the Patriotic Fund Dinner. I don't know how you feel about it, but I would consider it very proper policy if we would now and in the future vote unitedly on those issues, discussing it in
advance and then speaking with one voice.

This said, I would suggest to vote Yes for our old fellow JOG and No for RTM, who should consider himself well rewarded already with a knighthood. After all, JOG managed to board a Frenchman double the size of his ship, which is in and of itself a deed worthy of reward! How about writing a public letter on the decision?

So much for now, looking forward to your replies.

Aloha,
Sir Tyler Brock
Captain HMS Berwickshire

Dear Post Captain Baron Goodman

I am honoured by the trust and faith that your good self and Lieutenant Walker have placed in me on such short acquaintance. I do indeed desire to serve my Country as Masters Mate aboard the Sheik Yassouf and am most pleased to accept your invitation to join such a gallant band of warriors.

I am a Gentleman of Ancient Lineage, but, unlike Certain Others (who shall remain nameless), I do not feel that it is beneath me to serve in such a relatively humble capacity - especially when we are at war with such a Ruthless Foe. Indeed, unlike Certain Others, I would not care to serve as a Lieutenant without first Learning my Trade as a junior officer, whether aboard the "Jupiter" or on any other ship.

During his great Voyage of Circumnavigation, Sir Francis Drake required that "the Gentlemen shall Haul and Draw with the Mariners" -and if that was good enough for DRAKE, then By God Sir, it's good enough for me!

Your obedient Servant,

Mr Septimus A Sheldrake

Dear Mr. Septimus A Sheldrake,

my adjutant Lieutenant Walker has informed me about your wish to join my ship, the Sheik Yassouf! We are always in need of capable crew and officers,
as you are, so your application is welcome! You may join as Master's Mate or Midshipman, just let me know and I'll try to find a meaningfull position on bord for you. Be prepared to go to sea and chase the french!

Post Captain Baron Andrew Goodman

Good my Lord Your Excellency Baron Andrew Goodman,

I have made application to become the 4th Lieutenant of HMS Waakzamheit. Should this application prove successful, it will necessitate my acceptance of your generous offer of a loan of 200 guineas. Considering the necessity (and desirability) of owning a horse, as a commissioned officer and of the costs of the berth itelf, then if my calculations are correct, by borrowing every groat that is possible and by accepting your offer, I may keep myself, as it were "afloat", for the space of one month. Thereafter, I am not sure what may occasion, but perhaps the ship will be volunteered into service.

Your humble and obedient servant,

Neville Hunter

you'll get the sum of 200 Guinea if you need them. I wish you the very best for your application. I was Captain on the HMS Waakzamheit and I know it is a very good ship!

Captain Sir Tyler Brock,
You run ahead of us in the social stakes as if under full sail. I am bereft of any notion of coming close to you without your timely assistance. Hence, if it pleases you, I would seek your permission to come aboard your gathering for a second time during the month's last week.

The London Gazette Sports Supplement

Court martial