Current Briny en Garde Turn Report

The great dining hall in the basement of the Admiralty was no mean affair. It was daily used to feed twelve score people working in the building (plus, if truth be told, an unknown number of relatives and dependants) and nobody had ever had to wait long to be seated. This night, however, it was packed to capacity, with every member of the Admiralty from the First Sea Lord down to the most humble coal boy attending – the former seated at the High Table among the other Lords and visiting bigwigs and the latter at the far end of one of the lesser tables, which ran down the length of the hall in orderly rows. Naval blue and white mingled with the black (and the occasional bottle green) of civilian attire, but atop each coat sat a head whose mouth was wide open, as the crowd roared out the first line of the song which had this year taken London by storm.

“WHO'S THAT KICKING UP A NOISE? MY LITTLE SISTER! WHO'S THAT GIGGLING WITH THE BOYS? MY LITTLE SISTER …!“ sang out AG, resplendent in his new uniform of a Vice Admiral of the Red Territories, a reward bestowed upon him by a grateful First Sea Lord for some particularly ruthless quantum paper shuffling (which also involved an pitch dark coal cellar, a black cat that wasn't there, and – for reasons we would rather not go into at length – a solitary butterfly). Next to him sat a very happy but also dead tired JOG in the uniform of a Rear Admiral of the Blue Territories. In fact (and without putting too fine a point to it) JOG had been handed AG's old job as a reward for taking the squadron out during a particularly nasty bit of weather (i.e. at a time when the Frogs would least expect several British man of war on their doorstep) and pitting it against three French 74s lying up in the road to Brest harbour, sinking two of them and taking the third as a prize before the forts on the heights had fired a single shot. As soon as he had reached Portsmouth and made his report the admiral had insisted on JOG going to London at once and had sent a semaphore message ahead … with the effect that the coach had been forced to make a slight detour and stop at Buck House, where a most gracious monarch had been pleased to bestow a baronetcy upon him while remarking in a jocular manner that JOG's legs simply cried out for a garter …!

“WHOSE LEMONADE IS LACED WITH GIN? WHO TAUGHT THE ADMIRAL TO SIN? KNOCK ON HER DOOR, SHE'LL LET YOU IN! MY LITTLE SISTER …!” sang out the assembled captains of HMS Sheik Yassouf , HMS Waakzamhei t, HMS Glenmoranie and HMS Alexander . Mindful of the admiralty regulations to promote good understanding between themselves and their officers, they had engaged the facilities of the “Saracen's Head” in order to celebrate the fact that all of them had made it “…there and back again” (as Mr. Bilbo Baggins would have put it), despite being set upon by some of the worst weather any of them cared to remember. Dinner had come and gone, the loyal toast had been drunk (sitting down, of course) and now was the time to make merry. A good many of the hands had been to the West Indies, where they had learned to make music on kettles, serving plates and other metallic objects, and as they belted out the strangely insinuating rhythm a conga line wound through the Saracen's rooms. Not surprisingly, it was led by several officers of HMS Sheik Yassouf (or “Lucky Cheeky” as the ship begins to be known in the service) including MW, TOM and MAD. All of them had dismally failed to resist the lure of heroic antics and were now duly weighted down with knighthoods, MiDs and fat purses (particularly welcome to TOM, who had been forced to beg the price of his lieutenancy off JOG). MAD in particular seemed to be a glutton for this sort of thing, and the sight of his superior swinging like an ape through the Frenchman's rigging had left BA rooted to the spot he was supposed to guard (door to the spirit room) … until near the end of the fight, where an unlucky Frenchman had stumbled up in the smoke and had given up his sword to the young RM private. Farther down the conga line, JWK could be glimpsed, esily recognizable by his promotion to post captain (and orders to go aboard HMS Sheik Yassouf , where JOG's promotion had created a vacancy) sticking out of his partially open coat, followed by two of HMS Waakzamheit 's Marines (called JA and JB … the next one will no doubt be named JC, for obvious reasons) and her newly promoted brevet lieutenant, WC (aptly named because of his glasses – double-you-see). Although the ship had not taken part in the fight itself, having been ordered to windward to cut off a possible escape route, several MiDs and fat purses had been earned by the ship's officers and company. Much the same could be said for HMS Glenmoranie , who had had orders to stay out of any fight (unless engaged directly) and to repeat signals. PP as her captain had exercised his prerogative of setting the watches and in consequence he and SAB were never seen off the quarterdeck during daylight, and pocketed purses of 550 and 400 guineas respectively, while poor JF - who was allowed up only during the night shift - went totally unrewarded (battle lights being to poor to point out individual officers with sufficient clarity).

Only BB and SAM off HMS Alexander were seen huddling in a corner behind steaming glasses of hot toddy, probably on account of the severe cold they had caught when their shiphad run straight into a wall of green water (a nasty cross sea) while they were busy setting the spritail topsail – however, the promotion to midshipman (for BB) and the long-awaited office of captain's secretary (for SAM) will no doubt speed their recovery.

“WHO HAS A FERRET AS A PET? WHO WENT TO SIT AT GRANNY'S BED? THAT WAS LAST WEEK, AND SHE AIN'T HOME YET! MY LITTLE SISTER …!” sang the captains, officers and ship's company of HMS Droits de L'Homme , HMS Halcyon , HMS Fiddler's Green , HMS Bellerophone , HMS Belle Poule , HMS Salisbury and HMS Sauve Qui Peut . They sang it standing in well-ordered rows on Moscow's famous “Krasnaja Ploshad” (Red Square), to the amusement of several thousand Muscovites who were ice-skating (half of the great square had been flooded for the purpose) or just walking up and down, and eating roasted chestnuts, and drinking champagne or vodka, and meeting friends, and enjoying the fine winter weather. They sang other things, too (“Hearts of Oak” and “All in the Downs” among them) and for the grand finale tey joined the Don Cossaks in the immortal “Kalinka”: “Kaljinka, Kaljinka, Kaljinka madja…!”. After that, they dispersed to take part in the ice-skating etc. and several officers and men managed to distinguish themselves by astonishing feats of fraternization, well above and beyond the call of duty: Subaltern (RM) PC off HMS Halcyon and Private (RM) IS off HMS Droits de l'Homme jointly took on all comers and managed to defeat a number of burly Russians doing press-ups with the left hand tied to the back, and IS was promoted to subaltern while PC got a purse of 400 guineas. AM as the brevet captain of HMS Fiddler's Green fell prey to a cultural attache and followed him to round various museums, which earned him a promotion (to full captain) and a purse of 350 guineas; Meanwhile, HJ, TJ, SYG and EQ went baiting the bears (much as they would have done in London) and a good time was had by all (except the bears!). RTM and several officers off HMS Bellerophone went skating and were seen cutting a graceful figure – except her 1 st Lieutenant, who didn't spot a thin patch in time. R.I.P.! RTM and JR both did their best to rescue him, but to no avail – the current was pretty strong and drew him under despite their efforts. NH did manage to engage a young lady in conversation and while the result was not exactly encouraging (the lady replying “nyet” (no) to all of his questions) this brave attempt to overcome the language barrier earned him a promotion to full M&C; While AB simply stood near the only stall selling champagne and stood everybody a glass who ventured near – such generosity to be rewarded by a promotion to full captain and orders to go aboard HMS Belle Poule.

Quite a different kind of song, however, was heard coming from the captain's cabin of EIC Feodorov , waiting for a good wind off the mouth of the Thames. “I was born / under a meatball star …” the captain sang in a deep, gravelly voice. This being Sunday, the passengers and crew were soon called to attend the religious service – with the captain presiding and reading out the commandments of his new faith, the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. “Thou shalt eat spaghetti (with meat balls) and drink beer on all High Days, i.e. whenever you are in the company of young, pretty and currently unattached women …”. A very popular commandment, it seems, since JH managed to abstract 1300 guineas from the donations without anybody noticing.

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IS this all there is! I ask my assembled hacks? Well Yes Guv'nor it was a very quiet month, what wiv all the ships being out to sea an that…..

WS hosted a party at his club Lloyds with Sue. However after waiting half the night it appeared no one was going to turn up and he offered the food to the poor out side in the streets. It was reported that 2 nearly died from having such rich food to eat, being so different from the roast rat and mouldy bread their usual fare!

Meanwhile JM full of vigour as the Press Gang officer sent his men out to search the streets for “ able seamen… specifically hands who have served on man o' war ” bit of a tall order that one. BL was off in the stalls practising his cutlass. JS and Lady Elizabeth went of to his club for a quiet night together. HD went Southside had a good time, unfortunately the footpads were waiting and he was promptly relieved of all his cash and I mean all! TB was a'courting, no lesser a person than Lady Isabella! However I must point out that AG had finished with the good Lady only a day or so before, TB timed his attack with true precision while she was weak and successfully gained here affections.

Again JS and Sue throw a party at Lloyds, again no one turns up, again the food goes out onto the streets for the poor! (Editor: note if this happens again get a hack down there and get some for me )BL is in the stalls again. JS goes to his club with his good lady again. HD visits his club, but has to rely on the generous nature of the barman for his drinks having no money. TB visits his club with Lady Elizabeth in tow, so to speak. JM sends out the Press Gangs again!

Week 3 steps up to the mark, good looking lad this one has a good pedigree may do well…..

Once more JS and Sue tow a party once more no one turns up! This time the door men are beating off the poor at the club doors as the food is thrown out, word has spread and the poor are coming from far and wide. (Editor: I hope we got some? Hack: yes loads ) BL is once more slashing about in the stalls with his cutlass. JM urges his Press Gangs on once more, for King and country is heard being shouted by him. HD once more relies on the kindness of the barman for his drinks as he visits his club again. Then JS and lady Doolittle arrive at the Dinner & Dance of the Patriotic Fund, TB also turns up with Lady Elizabeth. (Editor: aha! At last some news worth publishing ). Our man at the door reports the following:

TB arrives in a snobbish dress uniform with mirror finished buttons made of gold. He is wearin, ,especially for this event, made leather boots and a shirt made of Chinese silk. Lady Isabella is wearing a showy dress was never seen before (I understand that two marines guarded the couturier around the clock to prevent spies of other ladies! Editor: what will the admiralty make of this misuse of HM Forces personnel?) its also made of Chinese silk which seems to cause jealous glances of the other ladies and tachycardia for the older Admirals.

The meal and the dance go well, although there is mention of some of the more well known figures missing from the dance due to THEM doing their duty to His Majesty by sweeping the seas clean for the frogs!

So week 3 steps down having not disappointed us and leaves through the front door with its head held high….

Week 4 steps, looks nervous, has to live up to a lot this one, however a confident gleam is seen in his eyes……

TB and Lady Isabella host a party at Buttons, amongst those attending are BL & Flora, JS & Lady Elizabeth, JM & Pamela, lastly HD on his own. The party goes down a treat with the climax of the night being the unveiling of the recently commissioned painting of TB by TJ, the reaction is a mixed one, but by polite standards every one compliments TB on a fine portrait.

Meanwhile WS attempts another party but after 30 minutes, calls it quits and goes to throw the food out, only to find the poor all sitting on benches with planks on trestles with a dirty sheet covering it as though for a banquet! WS and Sue give up and decide some company is better than none and promptly lay the food out for their “guests” and then are offered the place of honour at this table. By all accounts the night went well with many street acts putting on a show and not a bad word was heard about WS and Sue for their kindness and generosity!

The other notable events of the month included TB applying to become a committee member of the PF, so did JS and AG. Ag also applied for the Chancellor of the Exchequer as well as a Minister without Portfolio. TB also applid for the CPS post. That was it I am afraid lets hope there is more in the coming month when the MEN return from sea duty.

The London Gazette Sports Supplement

Welcome to the 2nd edition of the London Gazette sports supplement, in this section of The Gazette we will bring you the latest news of any and all contests and sporting events taking place within the City of London and environs.

As you all know, the taking of matters into one's own hands is something that is frowned upon in this country – and so well it should be, but that is not to say that two gentlemen of good standing cannot settle their differences in the manner of a sporting contest, and it is with that in mind that we at The Gazette have decided to publish reports of such events for the information of our readers.

Disclaimer – The report contained within these pages was viewed by our reporter as a sporting contest and The Gazette accepts no responsibility if it was actually a duel. We will not be held accountable for encouraging such illegal activities, and we strongly endorse the work of the Admiralty in discouraging such events .

To the officers and men of HMS Berwickshire:
We will hoist the Blue Peter next month. The Loot Is Out There. Get yourself ready, kiss your sweethearts goodbye and be on board in time to
set sail. It is acceptable to arrive in an intoxicated state however every man who can not support himself in an approximately upright stance will be made sober by dipping overboard for three times.

The London Gazette Sports Supplement

Court martial