Current Briny en Garde Turn Report

T he South coast of England is well known for the great cities and harbours of Portsmouth and Plymouth, but there are many smaller towns and villages as well. Tucked away behind their sand bars, looking sleepy and with an air of having been left far behind in the furious race of our modern times, these till present the curious stranger with several remarkable features. One of these is the fact that on market days very few fishmongers' stalls are to be seen, despite a goodly number of fishing boats present in the harbour – boats which, however, seem to come and go mostly under cover of darkness and in a somewhat furtive manner, as if they were burglars instead of honest fishermen.

Other features are the surprising number of prime seamen walking up and down High Street alone or in company of ladies dressed in more vivid colours than present fashion calls for (with make-up to match), and the great number of churches, chapels, and other places of worship dotting the hillside, belonging to a bewildering number of congregations. Some of these sects have records dating back to the time of the Great Schism, while others have sprung up more recently. One of the latest is the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (or CFSM for short). Finally, a curious stranger might take note that there were a good many public houses doing brisk business, and that day business was brisk indeed, since both HMS Sheik Yassouf and HMS Ferocious had put in after losing nearly half their crew during their recent dock stay. Both JS and JWK were desperate for men – never mind a man's religious beliefs as long as he could hand, reef and steer - and when HMS Ferocious and HMS Sheik Yassouf left on the next tide in order to catch up with E.I.C. Shangri-La every berth was filled again by a prime hand. Both captains seemed to be in a hurry – studdingsails aloft and alow – and there were rumours that they were going after three French privateers which had slipped out of Brest a forthnight ago and were on the way to their hunting grounds in the Bay of Biscay. Time was short, however, and when no amount of backstay scratching could produce a favourable wind the crew of HMS Sheik Yassouf took matters into its own hand. Morning dawned bright and clear, and JWK was just pouring himself a second cup of coffee when HMS Ferocious signalled: “What happened to your Nelson checker?”.

At first JWK thought it a joke, and a poor joke at that, but when JS (being the senior captain) had the signal repeated with a gun to emphasize its importance, he had himself pulled round the ship … and then he didn't think it a joke any more, because the Nelson checker was indeed gone - instead, the ship's sides were painted all black except for the letters “CFSM” painted in bright yellow!! Choked with anger, JWK had barely returned on deck when the lookout cried “On deck! Three ships ahead of us! I Think it's the Frogs, Sir!”. The Frogs it was, and very nonplussed Frogs, too. Still they fought well, and two privateers attempted to board HMS Sheik Yassouf from both sides while the third tried to hold off HMS Ferocious . A sudden shift in the wind, however, gave MW the opportunity to send some solid round shot into their bellies. Now a twenty-four pounder firing at close range will do a tremendous amount of damage unless the ship fired on has scantlings like a battleship, and a privateer is built for speed, not endurance. Five times the big guns crashed out, but before MW could give the order a sixth time the Frenchman's flag went down. At about the same time, HMS Ferocious 's patient maneouvring was finally rewarded and she managed to cross the third privateer's stern and rake the enemy – and that was that. In his letter to the Admiralty JS was forced to report the matter of HMS Sheik Yassouf's irregular painting (such things are impossible to hush up) but he did his best to lessen the sting of such a report with praise for the ship, its officers and its crew. He succeeded, too, since JWK, MW and TOM were all favourably mentioned in dispatches and given some money (presumably to restore the Nelson checker), while PC and PA were praised for their shooting, having picked off most French officers during the battle. As for HMS Ferocious's part in the battle, JS was promoted to Rear Admiral (Red Territories) for the skillful way he had handled the ship while master's mate WS was promoted to midshipman for good steering. The RM had a good day, too – subaltern IS was promoted to lieutenant for his fluency in translating the Frenchman's surrender, and JB was mentioned in dispatches simply for his freshly pipe-clayed crossbelt (he was given some money too - more pipeclay, here!).

Meanwhile, HMS Berwickshire was back in her old cruising grounds up near the Norwegian coast, counting whales – and fin whales at that! Now everybody knows that a finner is no right whale and no good to nobody, but it seems the Royal Society has decided to investigate the finner's migration pattern and prevailed upon TB to take several learned members aboard. TB didn't like it, but the survey went ahead and after the learned members had presented their paper at the next FRS meeting kudos trickled down the line in the form of TB being promoted to Post Captain and ordered to take up command on HMS Ferocious (replacing JS)! JM and BL were not mentioned but at least they were paid back the small sums they had lent to one of the Fellows at the beginning of the month, unlike HD, who was mentioned for his readiness to lower down a boat in pursuit of a particularly fine scimen … but the reward will have to be sent to his widow since his boad was towed under by the beast he had chased!

Aboard E.I.C. Shangri-La , the religious fever seems to be as high as during the previous month – the ship had made a slight detour to avoid the privateers rumoured to be out in force and several officers took the opportunity of stopping in Gibraltar to preach the CFSM gospel in the streets! Collectively they managed to raise nearly 3,000 guineas, not bad for a day's work – praise the Lord and all his noodly appendages, halleluhjah! They were greatly helped by HM commanding HMS Salisbury , who did send a strong party to ensure that those doing the Lords work were not molested by unbelievers. In turn, he was rewarded for “spiritual devotion above and beyond the call of duty” and made a peer (Lord Noodly of Tentacle Hill?).

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So we have a bumper issue this month do we? Asks the editor to his assembled hacks… Yes Guv'nor the gents and lads are back from whipping the Frog and the London scene is alive and well……

Good I will checking for spelling and grammar this time, now be off with you….

This week sees the return of JOG back on the London scene, after an extended absence from the London social scene in service of His Majesty. So The Dolphin is the place to be this week as Baron O'Groats, Rear Admiral the Blue entertains his officers and men of the Squadron as well as a couple of special invitees. Those attending this function are: SAM, AM & Ophelia, SYG and WC. SYG had hired a coach for the evening, possibly hoping to impress the Baron? JOG was resplendent in his best dress uniform but it was Diana who stole the lime light in a magnificent dress of shimmering gold silk, it was rumoured JOG paid a small fortune for this present to Diana! It was noticed that JOG was a trifle annoyed that not more members of the Blue had turned up, apparently JOG is considering making it a compulsory do next time with the negligent ships being forced to sea the next month. However JOG did not let that spoil the night and a meal of the finest English beef with all the trimmings was laid on with a very good selection of wines and ales. Afterwards there was lots of pleasant conversation, JOG spending a fair bit of time with SAM discussing naval matters (it is rumoured that JOG has agreed to become SAM's patron!) JOG also spoke to SYG at length, whether he impressed JOG is not known. Later it was discovered that HJ had tried to gain entrance to the party but was refused.

Other goings were a large amount of courting by the men of the services, these were: PP courting Prudence, who succumbed to his charms my reporter reported the following, which was relayed to him by the maid of Prudence: Pavel had been walking through the streets of London and felt lonely when he suddenly saw Prudence with her maid. He fell in love immediately. He threw his cigarette away and rushed into the next jeweller to buy a valuable gem for her. He searched all the market for her and after a while he found her: “Hello young Lady!” He ran to her and short of breath (no cigarette for a longer time) he fell to his knees: “When I saw you, Lady, your beauteousness has bedazzled me! Your hair glows like a cornfield in the midday sun, your eyes shine like stars in the night! Your beauty is like a fondling of the sun on a windless winter morning in the highlands, like a mysterious silhouette of a ship with exotic sails on the silver trail of the full moon on a sea! Please let me give you this little present as a sign of my bond of love to you…” (editor: bit dramatic for my taste, but I am not a woman) AG courted Rosemary, successfully. RTM tried his had at Jennifer Ushers, but alas the wagon full of roses he brought for her were wasted as she turned him down flat! JR courted Alice and was a success as she declared her love for him on her doorstep. JD courted Sara who took one look at him and fell head over heels for him! The following were seen in the stalls swishing their weapons to and fro: SAB, TJ and MAD. AB went to his club drinking, while EQ was confined to his ship on duty. TJ was observed getting short shrift from his instructor: “Quarte, Quinte, Tierce, Repeat!” Sweat dripped down Toby's nose. “Quarte, Quinte, Tierce, Repeat!” What was he doing here practicing sabre work (thought TJ) when he should be drinking and entertaining the ladies? “Quarte, Quinte, Tierce, Repeat!” He must be barking mad. “ Juggs! Pay attention, your line is as loose as a Southside doxy. Do that in a fight and you'll be carved up like a Christmas Turkey! …Now again: Quarte, Quinte, Tierce, Repeat!”

Week 2, come here boy, shouted the editor let me see your report, week 2 meekly handed over his report……

Well SAM, MAD, MW, JR, HJ and SAB are all practising their weapons, not much to report there. AM visits the opera and hires a Loge, takes Ophelia, plus AG and Rosemary, apparently it was a good one! EC and SYG stood duties on their ship. JD visited his club for drinks. Meanwhile RTM not put off by his last attempt, he tried again this time with a beautiful dress, this time she was overjoyed to accept! Meanwhile JOG and PP where seen out and about examining properties, they both settled on a modest house each, for now it seems. WC went out and courted Mary, she said yes before he could even finish speaking.

Meanwhile on TJ's ship the following was over heard: “ If I wasn't a gunner I wouldn't be here, number one gun make ready! Number one gun, fire! ”. Boom! The long nine leapt backwards with a barking report and a cloud of acrid smoke. “ If I wasn't a gunner I wouldn't be here, number two gun make ready! Number two gun, fire! ”. Boom! Toby was pleased that the men were in such fine fettle. “ If I wasn't a gunner I wouldn't be here, number three gun make ready! Number three gun, fire! ” Boom! Even Shrub seemed to be cheerful loading number five gun, even after being press-ganged and flogged. “ If I wasn't a gunner I wouldn't be here, number four gun make ready! Number four gun, fire! ”. Boom! There was nothing the men liked better than a good loud bang. “ If I wasn't a gunner I wouldn't be here, number five gun make ready! Number five gun, fire! ” Boom! Wheee-wheee-wheee – wheee. Something shot from number five gun and hurtled across the Pool towards the lights of the city. “Shrub!” “Yes, Mr Juggs”, said Shrub. “Was that gun loaded?” “Yes, Mr Juggs, with No 2 chain shot”. “You do not load with shot when firing a salute Shrub”. “Indeed Mr Juggs, I will remember that in future”.

Week 2 stood there looking expectant, he was rewarded with could do better and see me later…….

Week 3 fidgeted near the back, stop that boy and bring me your paper here shouted the editor…..

AM hosts a party at his club for the members of HMS Fiddlers Green and SAM. Those attending are SAM, EQ, SYG and TJ & Sophia, HJ with Joan.

Toby showed a swagger in his stride as he walked through the doors of the club. He wore a brand new uniform with shiny silver buttons, Sophia on his arm looking stunning in a simple cut Empire style dress and amber necklace, and his lucky bear's tooth in his pocket. Could life be better for him, was he on his way up? The party went without a hitch and every one seemed to enjoy them selves. JR turned up at the door, but was refused entry, unlucky. RTM was seen house hunting with Mol and bought a house. AG was seen on the outskirts of the city viewing mansions, we can report he bought a rather nice one! He was shown a selection of houses, Villas etc, by an agent but settled for the mansion. AB visited his club with his officers and entertained them. JD, MAD and SAB where swinging their weapons about again. But the BIG news of the week was not one marriage proposal, BUT 2!

JOG was first up and was seen purposely marching towards Diana's abode, dressed in his Best uniform. Once there he rapped smartly on the door and as soon as Diana appeared he went down on bended knee and said, whilst opening up a small velvet box to display a large diamond engagement ring, “ Do me the honour of marrying such an unworthy as my self” Diana over come said yes immediately!

Meanwhile not far away in another street PP invited Prudence to his club for a romantic meal. When she lifted up her glass to drink she noticed a ring in it. Pavel right on cue went down on one knee and asked her to marry him. There was a pause before a small tear and a hushedvoice replied “ yes, my sweetheart ”

Week 4 strode forth confidently; the editor peered over his reading glasses and took his work from him…..

This week saw AG host a party, originally at his club, it soon changed venue to his new mansion. However AG had to pay for several coaches to transfer them from the club to the mansion! Those attending were: MAD, MW, AB, JD, AM & Ophelia, SYG, JOG, HJ & Joan, RTM & Jennifer, PP & Prudence, and WC & Mary. All were impressed with the mansion and there was good wine and plenty of food on hand. It was a good party until politics got in the way of a good time. RTM, AB and JD against WC were locked in a heated debate over each others political parties and policies! AG was said to be not amused at this intrusion as he has sad no politic talk discussions where to take place! These 4 all changed cards, what AG is intending to do is any ones guess? It ruined what should have been a good evening for all and AG's mansion warming party!

Meanwhile SAM went Southside for his entertainment, but was held up by footpads on his way home, luckily he had only taken enough to pay for it! EQ did the same but escaped the footpad's attentions. TJ was still aboard ship on duty. SAB was in the stalls practising his cutlass for all he was worth!

Elsewhere in London the following was reported: SYG joined the Pitt as did JR, JD joined the marines and the Red Coat. AM joined Lloyds. There where many applications for appointments and positions, far too many to print here ( Editor: read the boards outside the Admiralty and Parliament).

The London Gazette Sports Supplement

Welcome to the 2nd edition of the London Gazette sports supplement, in this section of The Gazette we will bring you the latest news of any and all contests and sporting events taking place within the City of London and environs.

As you all know, the taking of matters into one's own hands is something that is frowned upon in this country – and so well it should be, but that is not to say that two gentlemen of good standing cannot settle their differences in the manner of a sporting contest, and it is with that in mind that we at The Gazette have decided to publish reports of such events for the information of our readers.

Disclaimer – The report contained within these pages was viewed by our reporter as a sporting contest and The Gazette accepts no responsibility if it was actually a duel. We will not be held accountable for encouraging such illegal activities, and we strongly endorse the work of the Admiralty in discouraging such events .

Andrew Goodman and Rosemary invite all members of good standing (SL9 and better) of the London society to a masked Ball in the fourth week in April in our Mansion! If your social standing is not sufficient please ask the major-domo ( Matthias.nitz@helimail.de ) for permission! No political discussions allowed!

The London Gazette Sports Supplement

Court martial