Current Briny en Garde Turn Report

Sir Tyler Brock lowered himself into the comfortable armchair in the capain's cabin of HMS Ferocious with a pleased sigh. His eyes wandered along the cabin walls, over the pictures and charts to the wall locker containing choice Brandies and Whiskeys behind its stained glass doors. He couldn't suppress a chuckle -Jack Sandwich had been in such a hurry to plant his bottom on the new swivel chair in his new office at the Admiralty that he had completely forgotten to take his liquor along. Unfortunately he had also forgotten to give Tyler the key to the liquor cabinet...! Tyler weighted his trusty cutlass in his hand and toyed briefly with the idea of smashing the little cabinet to pieces, but then he told himself to be calm. He wasn't in a hurry. In fact, he was precisely where he wanted to be – in the captain's cabin of a first rate battle ship. A squadron's flagship and one that he knew well. After all, he had been here before – but as a lowly lieutenant, not as her captain. Today, she was his. And he would ride her harder than a poxed Siamese whore!

“Stop dreaming” Tyler told himself. There was work to be done. Battling with a heavy French privateer, HMS Ferocious had lost most of her officers last month and the ensuing promotions had spirited away the rest. Only a couple of pimply midshipmen were left in the gunroom, and Sir Tyler desperately racked his brain for some acquaintance with the seamanship required to be his right-hand man. Someone with experience. Someone he could trust. JM, he thought suddenly. He'll make a good ship's adjutant. And BL has already asked to be my captain of the top. The Admiralty won't like that – it'll strip HMS Berwickshire of experienced officers and she'll have to stay behind at Portsmouth. But who wouldn't give up being lieutenant in an old fourth rate to become a midshipman in a first rate SOL, with its prospect of prestige, promotion and prizes. And WS will be my secretary …! Grinning again, TB pushed himself out of his chair and went up to the quarterdeck.

Sixteen days later, HMS Ferocious , HMS Sheik Yassouf and HMS Belle Poule (a last-minute replacement for HMS Berwickshire ) were back in their old hunting grounds, the Bay of Biskay. This time they weren't chasing privateers, but they were escorting a number of ships carrying arms and ammunition for the Basque revolutionaries. The preparations had been made with all possible secrecy, but a little bird seemed to have told the French something was afoot, because early in the second dog watch the lookout reported several ships fine on the port bow, no topsails up and flying the colours of the Ligurian Republic. As soon as the French saw them, however, they changed course, put up every scrap of sail they had, and having the weather gage -made straight for the British convoy. No manoeuvring, nothing; The French commander seemed to have taken Nelson's words to heart : “Never mind manoeuvres. Up and at them, that's the ticket!” As the ships closed each other, Sir Tyler turned to a badly dressed civilian at his side and remarked: “They must have slipped out of Brest while we were still taking on supplies in Portsmouth. That's Buccentaure in the lead and she's a four-decker of 116 guns. And I believe the ships behind her are Isidore and Camilla , of 98 guns each. We're in for a fight, sir! Do you wish to remain on the quarterdeck with me?” – “No, Sir Tyler” came the reply “I'd rather go below. Your surgeon may be happy to have me lend a hand, although it's long since I've held a saw …!”

Darkness fell, and the guns were silent at last.

Soon after sighting the French Sir Tyler had ordered the convoy to make for the Groyne and had sent HMS Belle Poule after it. As soon as this had become apparent to the French, Isidore had flashed out her studdingsails in pursuit, but a white squall had snapped off her fore topmast and she had shot up into the wind broken off the fight and hurried after them. In her place, Camille had gone, leaving Buccentaure to fight HMS Ferocious on one side and HMS Sheik Yassouf on the other, until Isidore could rejoin the fray. This she had done with alacrity, and HMS Sheik Yassouf had cut loose to head her off. Both French ships, Sir Tyler had noted, carried unusually numerous crews – a luxury which only ships fresh out of port could indulge in. Time and again the French had rallied their men to board the British ships. Time and again the Royal Marines had driven them back. And throughout the engagement the big guns on the decks below had roared out their deadly song …!

Darkness had fallen, Sir Tyler mused, as he strode away from the Admiralty in the direction of Threadneedle street, a cheque for eleven hundred guineas in his pocket. The First Lord had been in a good mood in the beginning of the interview – had insisted on going over the engagement with him – but had hemmed and hawed at the mention of possible honours. Instead, he had handed out promotions – JM was now a Master and Commander and on his way to this first ship, HMS Salisbury , with three hundred guineas in his pocket; BL had taken his place as lieutenant and had been given seven hundred guineas to buy a new uniform. WS, on the other hand, had had to be content with a brevet rating (lieutenant) but in his case too the First Lord had applied some soothing salve – five hundred guineas worth of it. As for the Royal Marines, JA and IS now wore a major's and a captain's epaulettes respectively (and both carried eight hundred guineas in their pockets), while JB now sported a subaltern's stick; While JB was mentioned in dispatches and given six hundred guineas.

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At about the same time, JWK and his officers (including several Marines) were assembled in HMS Sheik Yassouf ‘s gunroom, celebrating, among other good things, TOM's promotion to Master & Commander of HMS Sauve Qui Peut . All were in a celebratory mood – JWK, MW and BA had been mentioned in dispatches (and had received handsome purses of several hundred guineas besides), and both PC and BA had been promoted to Lieutenant RM (the former was to join HMS Glenmoranie as soon as possible). But if there was a cherry on top of the icing on top of the cake, it was the knowledge that AB in HMS Belle Poule had, through sheer insane recklessness, saved the day and successfully defended the convoy against the French. Both he and his 1 st lieutenant WC were mentioned in dispatches and given handsome purses, but on top of that AB received a knighthood– arise, Sir Reckless!

They might have been less merry had they known that on her way home Camille had met EIC Shangri-La , escorted by HMS Salisbury and HMS Sauve Qui Peut. Hopelessly outclassed, the two British warships nevertheless engaged the French SOL of 98 guns. They were mauled terribly, with most of their officers – including NH, the gallant Master & Commander of HMS Salisbury -killed by a single broadside -including NH. RIP! Also Master & Commander N4 on HMS Sauve Qui Peut died, but both to this ship transferred officers (HJ and JF, see also social report) received a mid and one also some money. No doubt he will be happy up there, devouring enormous portions of spaghetti in tomato sauce (with meatballs like 9-pounder shot) Nor was the Indiaman lacking in gallantry. His captain flatly refused to run for safety and although he had to beat up against the wind to get to the battle he did so with unflagging zeal – and a good thing too, or the French captain might have gone on to capture the smaller British ships. Both the captain and his officers will undoubtedly receive handsome purses for this, but being civilians they cannot, of course, be mentioned in dispatches.

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So the first week of the month dons its wedding dress, by it dose look pretty….

PP was getting married this week, JJ, RTM and Jennifer, plus JS with Elizabeth attended, not many but it seems some were diverted and some had other plans, but more of that later. First here is an eye witness account of the day…..PP started the day of his wedding some smaller catastrophes: his suit was missing, then he poured coffee over his shirt and his good cigar didn't burn right. But after a good breakfast he relaxed more and more and than his family came to his house: His babi c ka ran slaphappy to him and hugged him tight. The rest of the family climbed down the rickety carriage and greeted the son of the family. PP escorted them into his house to a welcome drink. While his mother controlled his suit and always picked here and there his father sat down in the armchair in the living room and gave every family member one of PP's cigars. Soon there was an impermeable smoke in the living room. Luckily all had to go soon to the small chapel while PP picked Prudy up. She waited impatiently for him in front of her old house and PP escorted her to their wedding carriage. She nearly wavered to him but that damn bush of roses ruptured her veil. She unsuccessfully tried to fight back her tears but Pavel hugged her tight and solaced her. He called for his mother and she repaired most of the damage so none could see anything. With a short delay the couple arrived at the chapel and the bells were ringing. All entered the chapel and the next mishap happened: one of Prudy's heels broke when she stumbled a bit so she could only hobble… But again his mother could help: in her handbag she found a cork and with a nail she fixed the heel so Prudy could walk again! She ordered one of her nephews to buy a new pair of shoes for Prudy because she could not dance the whole night with this makeshift solution. Once again Prudy wanted to cry but this time PP's father solaced her with a mouthful of self produced Slivovitz which made her gasping. Now PP and Prudy went to the altar and the ceremony began. Surprisingly no mishap happened! After the ceremony both left the chapel and outside all guests threw flowers and rice for the bridal couple. They had to clink glasses with every guest and afterwards they were a bit tipsy. On the way home to their house some jokes about the hopefully soon new blood were made. Prudy's family was amazed about the humour of Pavel's family. Meanwhile the servants had cooked the Czech meal: pala c inka (omelette) as starter and then roasted venison. Pavel's mother distributed big portions. After the meal the instruments were unpacked and music and dancing until next morning started.

E lsewhere in London others where not having such a good time, JF and HJ who were on their way to the wedding had the misfortune to run into the Press Gang and before you could say, “ I do”, they were hauled off to their new berths! AM visited the opera with Ophelia and rented a good lodge. However afterwards he was pulled to one side by the owner and asked to pay for some damage to it! AG proposed marriage to Rosemary and present her with a beautiful wedding ring, she swooned with joy and said yes cause she is in the family way! JD visited his club with his mistress. SYG went Southside and returned unscathed! TJ did his duty. SAM was seen in the stalls fencing like mad to improve his skills. MAD was courting Lady Isabella with a very expensive necklace; she was bowled over and accepted! HC went after Moll and whisked her off her feet with his wit and charms! EQ and BB anted to go to JOG's Stag Party, but got the wrong month! SAB was seen slashing back and forth with his cutlass all week. JOG himself and Diana was ensconced in his club with a large amount of paper where they where deep in discussion about their wedding plans.

So Week 1 left the house on time but would it make it to the church on time!The second week hurtled towards the Church….

Not a lot happening this week, AM holds a party for the favoured few, these include: SAM, SYG, EQ, TJ with Sophia, he bans all political discussion though, this is a good move and the party goes swimmingly! SAB, AG and JD practice their weapons all week.

PP and Prudy tidy up the mess in his club (Editor: Is he that broke he cannot afford to hire people to do it? ), they then head to his club for a drink. RTM joins the latest fashion by asking Jenny to marry him, seems the big ring and flowers work as she accepts with a smalltear in her eyes! JJ stands his turn on duty. MAD and Isabella are seen buying a mansion together!!

J S is seen at his club with Lady Doolittle, so is HC and Moll. Lastly JOG is once more seen in his club with Diana this time trying to work out the guest list and arguing who should and should not come from each others family! BB seems to think JOG is getting married this month and waits out side St Paul's, alas to no avail he has the wrong month!

This week another wedding is the top story with AG and Rosemary tying the Knot in St Paul's. Here is our reporter's story: The marriage took place in Saint Paul's Cathedral. Rosemary wore a beautiful white showy dress made of silk. Andrew wore his gala uniform with all his medals. The ceremony was short and unostentatious. Outside the cathedral some officers of the Admiralty presented their sabres to honour the engaged couple.

AG's mansion was decorated all over with fresh vernal flowers. After the champagne reception all guests entered the dining room and the meal was served: several variationsof lamb with different sauces and vegetables. This was followed by plum pudding. Now all guests entered the smoke room where good cigars and port waited for them. The party ended with singing “Rule Britannia!”

Those attending the wedding were: JOG + Diana, JS + Elizabeth, SAM, TJ with Sophia, PP and Prudence, AM with Ophelia, BB, SAB and Gwendolyn. I had a chance to see the many wedding gifts in a separate room; they were a very lucky couple! And I saw Diana talking to JOG telling him she's pregnant.

EQ went to St Paul's to attend the wedding of JOG; however it was the wrong month! (Editor: do these people have no calendars?) HC was seen at the Peoples Inn practising. RTM tookJenny out for a meal with musicians and a very high brow carriage! JJ went to his club. SYG stood his turn on duty. JD was seen practising his weapon all week. MAD proposed to Isabella and she accepted! (Editor: My God, is there any women not getting married in London?)

S o that was week 3 safely delivered to the churchon time…but would the fourth week say yes? ……. Read on….

This week saw a ball held by AM and his new Wife Rosemary. Our reporter continues his report: After the wedding of last week Rosemary and Andrew were in a hurry to prepare the ball but with all the decoration for the wedding still at the walls and the difficulties of the victualers, they had to pay much more than expected to get the party going…Andrew wore a fancy uniform in dark blue with a mask in the same colour. Rosemary wore a Venetian ball gown in green with a suitable mask. The musicians played popular music and all guests danced all the night! The ball ended with singing “Rule Britannia!” Seems a success, but an unknown source did tell our man that AG suffered some Financial problems due to the high cost of the wedding/Ball!

Those seen leaving that night were: JOG and Diana, JS and Elizabeth, SYG, RTM with Jennifer, PP and Prudence, AM with Ophelia. Our reporter did note some unusual costumes: RTM attended as a nobleman behind a silver mask and Jennifer as a princess in a long and shiny dress with a long pointed hat and a train. But he most bizarre costumes went to PP andPrudy who told our reporter this story: Pavel believes he is a visionary: he believes that there are other intelligent species out there on other planets and he believes that there will be space ships… He wore a fancy uniform of silver trousers and a golden shirt and a cap with long silver distant fibre on it. He also wore a belt with a shiny box and a golden pistol and long silver over knee boots. On his back he has a bottle with self made slivovitz in it. Prudy herself wears a dress made of red leather with a suitable mask and a long horsewhip with a golden handhold. She also wears high heel over knee boots. On her breast the letters ‘SP' for SuperPrudy are embroidered. She wears a belt with cigars in it…

Needles to say every one gave them a wide birth, in fact I saw Baron O'Groats speaking to AG as he left some thing about PP not being fit for command and needing to have him visit the Admirality doctor? TJ stood his duty. JD was seen all week practising his skills of his chosen weapon. JJ spent a lonely week drinking in his club. SAM went South Side and came back without being bothered; EQ though was not as lucky and was held up by footpads! HC went back to the Peoples Inn. BB also stood his turn at the gang plank for King and Country. SAB was seen slashing with his cutlass again. But the surprise news of the week if the rumours are to be believed was the secret marriage of MAD to Isabella, but this has yet to be confirmed or denied!

So week four did indeed say yes and the whole month lived happily ever after…..

The London Gazette Sports Supplement

Welcome to the 2nd edition of the London Gazette sports supplement, in this section of The Gazette we will bring you the latest news of any and all contests and sporting events taking place within the City of London and environs.

As you all know, the taking of matters into one's own hands is something that is frowned upon in this country – and so well it should be, but that is not to say that two gentlemen of good standing cannot settle their differences in the manner of a sporting contest, and it is with that in mind that we at The Gazette have decided to publish reports of such events for the information of our readers.

Disclaimer – The report contained within these pages was viewed by our reporter as a sporting contest and The Gazette accepts no responsibility if it was actually a duel. We will not be held accountable for encouraging such illegal activities, and we strongly endorse the work of the Admiralty in discouraging such events .

I am in dire need of someone to help me get some order into the papers left behind by his Excellency Lord Sandwich. You are to report to me immediately and take up the post as Captain's Secretary. Your first orders will be to find the keys to the liquor compartment, as I will break the goddamn glass if I have to look but not touch for another day!

Over heard in London , "Rear Admiral Sandwich what are you doing here, I had heard that you were hell bend on taking your new command out to sea?"

But next month the lads of the Red will get a chance to show the frogs what they got, I tell you!"

"Huzza for Admiral Goodman and his Good Lady! Long life and happiness from the lads of the lower deck!"

Baron Miles Attenborough-Davis and Baroness Isabelle invite all inhabitants of the suburbs from Camden to City of London (SL9 and better) of the London society to a masked Ball in the fourth week of May in our Mansion!

Viscount Andrew Goodman and his wife Rosemary invite all members of the London society to celebrate the arrival of the summer! All are welcome but be assured we do not accept any political discussions at our party!

The London Gazette Sports Supplement

Court martial