Current Briny en Garde Turn Report

The music room in the Governor's House at Port Mahon, a tall, handsome, pillared octagon, was filled with the sound of about four score naval officers talking volubly about last month's events. This wasn't a musical gathering, but an assembly of all available senior officers, called by Admiral Ogle (N7) upon his inauguration as the new Commander in Chief of the Mediterranean fleet. Several captains had brought their junior officers along and these could be seen standing in a group in front of the building, in the shadow offered by an immense oak tree. Mr. Huckerback and Mr. Templeton-Smythe had purchased lieutenancies on HMS Berwickshire of the White Squadron; Mr. Champion had been appointed gunner aboard HMS Sheik Yassouf at the beginning of the month through the recommendation of both Captain Baron Brock (HMS Ferocious ) and the Lady Isabella Attenborough-Davis; whereas Messr. Vandervent, Kirk, Warwick, Plunkett, Parker and Snodgrass had all joined ships of the Red Squadron or the Blockade Squadron. Mr. Vandervent had in fact joined HMS Fiddler's Green , as a lieutenant while Mr. Snodgrass had secured himself the position of Captain's steward I the same ship; Mr. Kirk had joined HMS Belle Poule as a Midshipman, same as Mr. Plunkett in HMS Halcyon and Warwick in HMS Ferocious , who had in turn brought Mr. Parker along; All were double shaved and in their best uniform and conspicuously ill at ease, but such was the spirit of the occasion that any discrepancy of rank and station were momentarily forgotten.

Inside the building, it was much the same. But although the blue of naval uniforms and gold of their epaulettes dominated the room, there was a sprinkling of other colours as well – the red and white of infantry officers, or the simple black of civilians, either connected with Whitehall or the East India Company. Several gentlemen of the latter kind, who had only recently arrived in the Lusitania , were in fact clustered round the Governor himself, talking animatedly. During a sudden silence, one of them could be heard: “… Old Ogle (N7) made Admiral of the White and Baron O'Groats created Viscount!” upon which the others immediately cut in with “Now that's a pretty kettle of fish” – “What's the Admiralty come to these days” – “Grouchy” O'Groats, upon my word” and similar exclamations, their faces radiating disapproving indignation. This proved too much for one of the naval officers standing nearby and he turned towards them, asking “So you haven't heard, gentlemen?” – “Heard what?” was the reply, but another officer cried: “Of course they haven't heard yet. Lusitania dropped her anchor barely two hours ago Go on, Miller, tell ‘em about the Brest Caper!”. Thus assured of his audience, the first officer resumed speech: “The Brest Caper, as my friend here put it, came about in the following manner: We were lying off Cherbourg and there was a rumour the Frogs were up to something. You know how it is – supplies arrive later than planned and we buy from local fishermen to eke out our stores. Not all of the fishermen are rabid Buonapartist and some of them tell us things. And this chap told me that there was quite a shindig in Paris, meetings, letters, and Buonaparte himself demanding that the French we had bottled up in Brest should slip out and get into the Med in support of one of his atrocious schemes. Anyway, the next day I was invited to the gun room for dinner and we talked about how we would clap a stopper over the Corsican's capers, and one of my officers piped up with a smashing idea, so I went and wrote to Rear Admiral Kerr; and I get a reply real quick, ticking me off for not going through regular channels of communications, but adding that he's gone and seen the First Sea Lord about it – “it” being this caper my lieutenant had come up with. Y'all know that spot of deep water near the town of Lampaul on Quessant Island The cliffs are nearly vertical and the landscape is such that a number of stacks, arches and pillars could hide any ship we choose to anchor there. From here we could, under the darkness of the quarter moon, move to Ile-Molene and block the French near Le Coquet …well, n ext thing I know our ships are pulled off blockading Cherbourg and I'm done out of most of my creature comforts because there's “Grouchy” O'Groats on my quarterdeck, large as life and twice as active. And the long and the short of it is, gentlemen, that when the French did come out we were ready for them. HMS Glenmoranie had just joined us and she had captured a merchantman on her way out (a brilliant action, so I was told) and we used them to create a diversion, like we were under fire from those heavy batteries covering the southern channel. Naturally the Frogs didn't want to get mixed up in this, so they used the northern channel where the rest of us were waiting off – HMS Ferocious , my own HMS Fiddler's Green , HMS Belle Poule , HMS Salisbury and HMS Sauve Qui Peut …” – “Captain Miller, a glass of punch with you!” yet another officer cried, and while that worthy complied the governor himself picked up the thread. “It was the completest thing, gentlemen. Admiral Viscount Goodman himself had said so. Since he was (and still is) technically on sick leave, Vice Admiral O'Groats was given most of the credit and was promptly made a Viscount. Both Rear Admiral Kerr and Flag Lieutenant Jackson were mentioned in dispatches, together with Captain O'Malley of HMS Glenmoranie , Lt. Dover of HMS Ferocious , Lt. Jenkins of HMS Salisbury (posthumously, I'm afraid) and Mr. Kirk of HMS Belle Poule . Several promotions as well – Captain Jorgens was made post and given HMS Belle Poule , so Lt. Marvell of HMS Fiddler's Green was appointed to command HMS Sauve Qui Peut in his place and Mr. Quilp was promoted to take his place in the gunroom. And Captain Cunning RM was promoted to Major aboard HMS Waakzamheit . Purses galore, in course – except for a few unlucky birds who were away from their ships at the time and didn't share – and very few casualties. HMS Sauve Qui Peut lost Lt. Jenkins and “Spotted Dick” Haddock (who had joined her last month, taking the bounty) when a freak ricochet off one of the larboard anchor's flukes caught them unawares while using the head. But their sacrifice was not in vain, gentlemen – of the nine ships that tried to slip out of Brest we destroyed three ( Alceste , Mormonia and Sybilenia ) and seriously damaged at least four more – they'll be in dock for some time. Which in turn allowed our CinC of the Mediterranean Fleet to tighten the Toulon blockade … and deprive the French of yet another ship. But here's the very man to tell you all about that. Gentlemen, may I present Major Attenborough-Davis of the Royal Marines? He was aboard HMS Indomitable at the time…!”

June 28 th … and then his Excellency went and put me on the spot in the most (un)gracious manner. There I was, pleased as punch for having escaped the French sharpshooters, when I heard my name and turned … to face at least a dozen coves looking at me with that kind of look usually reserved for Madam Tussaud's. I'm not a brilliant speaker but this time I wasn't quite caught off-balance since I had given an account of the event to some officers of the –th in another corner of the room not ten minutes ago. So I told them how HMS Indomitable and HMS Halcyon had met with a French 74 trying to sneak out of Toulon at six bells in the graveyard watch, the wind blowing NNW and a nasty cross-sea running. The Frogs had the weather gauge and we had a merry time peppering them from a distance. Their seamanship was pretty poor but they did fight on bravely and got in a few licks, firing mostly at our rigging, as is their custom – one shot killed poor Lt. Kin-Madley when he went up with the captain of the maintop to check the puddening of some ropes. In fact, the Frogs hauled down the flag only after their ship was literally riddled with holes. When the Captain went across to accept their surrender our carpenter swore she would sink within the next half hour even with all the pumps going and her guns thrown overboard, which she promptly did – we were lucky to bring off most of her crew. Which we sent back to Toulon in our boats. A pity, since the French build real good ships - better than anything our dockyards manage to turn out … incidentally, I saw Mr. Champion loitering in front of the building with a few other youngsters. He came over at once and thanked me very prettily for the interest I had taken in his career and we talked a bit. He had a lot to say about poor Lt. Kin-Madley – never was a better officer – will be sorely missed, etc. – and two of his former shipmates, both serving aboard HMS Halcyon , had distinguished themselves in the action and received a promotion to Master's Mate. But then he began to talk about an action fought by ships of the Blue Squadron under Brevet Rear Admiral Sir Robin Marlowe, somewhere off the Barbary Coast . The ships involved were HMS Sheik Yassouf and HMS Waakzamheit on our side and half a dozen galleys under Osman Pasha on the other. Apparently Osman Pasha had encountered them while they had been at anchor in Dessarlik Bay , waiting for more favourable winds to return to Menorca , and he set upon them at once, concentrating on HMS Sheik Yassouf and trusting in the superior maneuvrability of his ships and the numerical advantage of their crews to decide the issue. Well, he was wrong, because Sir Robin immediately gave orders to open fire and four of Osman Pasha's ships were sunk within as many minutes. Seeing this, the last ship but the flagship refused to move forward and when Osman Pasha laid along its side in order to restore order they grabbed him and put him in irons; That done, they hauled up a white flag and surrendered. Sir Robin Marlowe will get a barony out of this, he said; And as for the Marines, who had their work cut out guarding their prisoners all the way to Menorca, he believes that Major Albatross was promoted to Lt. Colonel RM while Subaltern Champion didn't have much time to enjoy his appointment as Gunner, as he was promoted to Lieutenant and sent to HMS Salisbury . Some fat purses, too – Captain Pipovich of HMS Waakzamheit told him that his share amounted to nearly a thousand pounds, and that of Lt. Fregate not much less …

“I'll be dam glad when those navy types come back ”, said the Editor, to no one in particular, although the office rat catcher cat looked up enquiringly. “ How am I supposed to write a broad sheet and charge tuppence a copy with this drivel? ” Maybe if I added some cartoons it would work ?

So the first week is here and a sore sight it is too, this will definitely need some sort of sketch at the end…

Lt B Huckerback is seen striding down the streets with only one thought in his mind, to court Sophia Williams! He strides up to her door and knocks in a very manful manner and after a few seconds the lady herself answers, before she can speak he asks will you go out with me ? She says are you asking he says yes I am asking , she say's then I am going out with you , he says fine, sorted and that's that! Lt H Templeton-Smythe is seen at the Pit with Betty drinking and laughing. Meanwhile Captain Steel is seen at Red Coats with Emma chatting and that's it for this week….cue sketch…

So let's see what the second week can do for us…oh no, just as disappointing…..

Lt Huckerback is seen down the Pit with Sophia, they appear to be getting famously, if a little eastenderish to the majority of club members… Captain Steel is seen swinging the steel so to speak aboard his ship. Mr Dubhspiriag is seen at the Thames Water Club practising. Lastly Lt Templeton-Smythe is seen practising his weapon on board ship as well!

So lets have a butchers at week three….ah this looks better some sort of do ….or is it?

Lt Huckerback is seen at The Fencer practising. Lt Templeton-Smythe goes down the Pit for a jolly good drink! Mr Dubhspiriag goes Southside, however on the way back encounters the footpads of Southside and gets way laid! Meanwhile a very smart Captain Steel and Emma are seen heading for The Almanack under the illusion that Viscount Goodman is holding a party! At the door he is informed that said party is in OCTOBER! Emma looks none to happy with her Beau at hearing this!

So at last we come to a very limp week four not even a trip to the clubs this week! Lt Huckerback, Lt Templeton-Smythe and Captain Steel all practise their weapons all week long, very boring!!

So the end sketch is of our valiant men aboard HM ships and we wish them a speedy return and safe home again to their loved ones (Editor: aye and to the social scene so the sheet can get a bigger issue with some juicy gossip !)

The London Gazette Sports Supplement

Welcome to the 6th edition of the London Gazette sports supplement, in this section of The Gazette we will bring you the latest news of any and all contests and sporting events taking place within the City of London and environs.

As you all know, the taking of matters into one's own hands is something that is frowned upon in this country – and so well it should be, but that is not to say that two gentlemen of good standing cannot settle their differences in the manner of a sporting contest, and it is with that in mind that we at The Gazette have decided to publish reports of such events for the information of our readers.

Disclaimer – The report contained within these pages was viewed by our reporter as a sporting contest and The Gazette accepts no responsibility if it was actually a duel. We will not be held accountable for encouraging such illegal activities, and we strongly endorse the work of the Admiralty in discouraging such events .

There was supposed to be a meeting this month but the gentlemen concerned got their times and dates crossed so we are hopeful they will meet next month?

Court martial

None

Duels

JD and PD, for both trying to court Betty in June, still outstanding