Issue 04– March 1791
“ ... a chap doesn’t tell a chap what a chap
ought to know!” Chap aboard HMS Huntingdon
On the 1st of March, the Naval College at Greenwich opened its doors – and WKM stood outside, waiting to enroll, a huge grin on his face and a heavy purse in his pockets. The roll of parchment under his arms bore the inscription: “A brief history of time and tide ...!”
Off the French Coast HMS Mars was hunting for prey – and hunted in vain. The crew had a trying time because their 2nd Lieutenant ruthlessly (and, some say, mercilessly) exercised them at the great guns. In his zeal Lt. Goodman went so far as to promise a reward if they could fire five rounds in under four minutes by the end of the month, and this had the desired effect. However, when the reward proved to be just a half-day wirthout further exercise there was some serious talk belowdecks of rolling shot!Two ships left the stocks on their maiden voyage this month: HMS Excalibur takes the place of HMS Sheik Yassouf in the White Squadron, and HMS Fearless will fill the gap in the Blue Squadron left by HMS Bellerophon. Huge crowds cheered both ships as they left the Pool. The Lords of the Admiralty have not agreed on any appointments yet.
Off Ireland’s West Coast HMS Berwickshire found a French gun runner and captured her. 3rd Lieutenant Ferdinand Feghorn earned himself some plunder (400 Guineas), a mention in dispatches ... and a promotion: Starting next month he will be the Master and Commander of HMS Surprise!!
In the foretop of HMS Swiftsure GS softly crooned: “Nothing ever happens to me ...!” and how right he was. This month’s cruise was as uneventful as a bishop’s garden party.
New boy on the block, serial number X014 seems to have invented the everlasting gobstopper (other explanation: he is terminally shy). Anyway, he has mumbling down to a fine art and as yet nobody has caught his name. Despite this handicap he gets appointed into HMS Glenmoranie and proceeds to buy a lieutenantcy. He is dining at Fladong’s when an Admiralty mesenger hands him his orders, clearly superscripted: “X014, appointed 2nd Lt. HMS Surprise!”
-- FIN --
The London Gazette
Issue 1 by J.C.
Lock up your Daughters!The Fleet’s in, and from Tilbury to Queenhithe Dock the our jolly Tars are once again attempting to find their land legs – amongst other things!
It is said that when the Navy returns to port there are always two things to be found – Temptation and Trouble. Traders of all sorts have been flocking to within spitting distance of Old Father Thames in an attempt to cash in on the fact that there is nothing to spend your hard earned sovs on at sea, and that with some of the crews only having a few short weeks shore leave whilst their gallant sea-borne steeds are refitted and provisioned, ready to tackle those dastardly Frenchies once more for King and Country, there is no better time to make a quick sale or two. The taverns, Gin shops and ale houses of Silvertown and Custom House ring with the voices of crews eager to sample all the simple pleasures that they have been missing whilst at sea – and where crews from differing vessels meet at the same inn, trouble is never far behind.
Those of a more discerning nature, however, head farther west, into the great and glorious metropolis that is the City of London today. Those who seek pleasures other than the common East End wench and a tankard of Grog, those for whom shore leave is more than a simple excuse to run riot and settle a few old scores. I am talking about the Gentlemen that are the lifeblood of our great capital. The Officers and Men of our glorious Royal Navy, whose mere presence in town set tongues wagging, and hearts a-flutter. A special breed for who glory and honour is more than just a motto – it is a way of life.
Then again – spending months on end on a ship with a bunch of smelly, hairy, sweaty and generally downright disgusting sailors can make you see things in a different light entirely!
It must be said that I was expecting things to get off to a noisier start this month – the first of a new year, but I was wrong. Maybe too many sore heads or resolutions being adhered to for riotous assembly to take place immediately I suppose. But not withstanding the fairly quiet first few days there was a new blade seen strutting up and down Cheapside, cane in hand, determined to make an impression on his fellow gentlemen of the city. Josiah Kerr was his name, and he made sure that
everyone knew it. He seemed to simply appear in our midst and headed straight for the Pit in order to drink his own health with any who would join him.
Others seeking to better themselves this year included Wayne Kin-Madley, who was seen leaving the Naval College at Greenwich with an enormous stack of books under his arm – not sure how Emma will take the news that he is going to be spending his time studying some slightly different tactics and manoeuvres from now on. Also attempting to improve his standing (or simply so he can sit a little higher) was John Doe, the proud new owner of a striking grey horse. Although he did look at a bit of a loss as to what to do with it. Just make sure you’re facing the end with the ears, dear boy.
As I said at the beginning of this report ”Lock up your Daughters”, and with some chaps on shore leave for only a short time many a fair maid found her doorstep occupied this month. First up the steps was Jonah ”Lucky” Albytross, paying a visit to Agnes Nutter almost as soon as the Droits de L’Homme docked. Agnes was delighted. She is rumoured to be have an uncanny knack of predicting the future, so maybe she can see something under Jonah’s slightly shabby exterior that we’ve all missed. Then again, both Agnes and Jonah headed to the pit for a cosy little foursome with Wayne and Emma the following week, but somehow failed to spot Wayne’s coach pull up outside and then managed to completely miss them in the crowd, so maybe her foresight isn’t that good after all.
Puisee D’Assinute, however, decided that a society lady of slightly higher standing was more to his liking and strode purposefully over to see Diana Viliers, only to have the door slammed in his face and be called a cheapskate. When her door was knocked on again the following week she was ready to again repel all boarders until she spied that it was not Puisee trying his luck a second time, but Tyler Brock, laden down with gifts. They say, ”faint heart never won fair maid”, but a sizable purse goes quite a long way I can tell you. And I am sure that Tyler would agree as he was seen stepping out with the fair Diana later in the month. Beautiful she may be, inexpensive she is not. Fortunately for him, Puisee was practising with his cutlass at the time, so an unnecessary scene was avoided.
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