Report

The battle for London, final stage ... thanks to their valiant defenders, the baricades had held all the Month of July and the first two weeks of August, but by then everybody could see that they would not hold much longer. Tensions ran high and when the Vice Admiral of the Red uttered his famous dictum that a metropolis is only two meals away from chaos the First Lord charged him with spreading defeatist attitudes and had him arrested at once Sir Louis may never have spoken a truer word, but he will have to explain than to the judge at his court martial next month!

Meanwhile our valiant citizens still had plenty of powder and shot in their lockers, but their cupboards and larders were bare. And on August 20 th the Dutch brought out their secret weapon: Gouda cheeses, big as cartwheels! They would hack the cheeses into smaller, more manageable portions in plain view and throw the pieces in the direction of the barricade, taking great care to make them fall short of the barricade's crest. They would, of course, immediately disappear in the hundreds of little nooks and crannies between the items that made up the barricade, inaccessible unless the whole structure was broken up. Then the Dutch sat back and waited ... while all day long the heady smell of cheese wafted about and did its magic. Around midnight on August 23 rd the Dutch waited patiently until the barricade on the corner of King' Way and Great Queen Street had been dismantled and then their elite ”Nightstalker” regiment pounced on its hapless defenders, meaning to break through and romp down Great Queen Street, Long Acre and beyond. Fifteen hundred Boers went in ... but they had missed their tide. During the last days fresh British regiments had reached the city from the west (in answer to messages sent out by pigeon during the previous month) and by the time the Dutch had reached St.Martin's Street their number had already halved, since every roof along these streets bristled with soldiers. Hot work for the Redcoats (and Bluecoats, Greencoats and even Mauvecoats) present, but not as desperate as the continued infighting at the Admiralty over who was supposed to be in command! In the end, their Lordships once again decided to postpone the decision and just to fill everyone's pockets instead – 1,900 Guineas went to the 2 nd Lord of the Admiralty (and he was mentioned in dispatches as well), 1,500 Guineas went to Vice Admiral of the Blue, and 1,200 Guineas to the Vice Admiral of the Yellow Squadron. Another 1,100 Guineas went to the Rear Admiral of the White while his colleague in red got 1,300 Guineas and a MiD, the Rear Admiral of the Blue Squadron (1,000 Guineas) and the Yellow Squadron (1,300 Guineas). The Royal Marines did extremely well this month, with promotions and sizable bonuses all round to draw attention from the upcoming court martial of their C.O. (caught in the act of writing bogus messages to send reinforcements guarding country estates in Wiltshire owned by his cronies). He was replaced by his second-in-command Lt.General N7 (promoted and 1,400 Guineas) who was in turn replaced by former Brigade General N4, who in turn handed over his old office to the N4 who used to be a Colonel RM aboard HMS Droits de L'Homme . There was some trifling objection that she was still undergoing repairs, but her 2 nd Lieutenant turned out to be quite vocal in his demand to have the full complement of RMs stand guard in order to keep the yard hands from stealing. The Horse Guards clerks finally gave way and a revenue cutter was sent to fetch the Lt.Colonel RM aboard HMS Richard Lionheart .

Meanwhile, the most powerful squadrons of the British Navy made a careful search of every harbour along the french coast, with orders to sink or burn the hundreds of smaller vessels Napoleon had had built to ferry his troops. Leading the white squadron HMS Ferocious managed to pick up three gun boats near Barfleur and her 2 nd Lieutenant gave orders to keep the guns (some of her own 36-pounders were suspected of being honeycombed) and to offer the boats to the French for a cool 1,000 Guineas. HMS Richard Lionheart had kept to her cruising ground a little father south. She managed to surprise a smuggling vessel in the act of picking up contraband. This earned her 1 st Lieutenant a mention in dispatches and her 2 nd Lieutenant a bullet between the eyes, while Tyler Brock's efforts went unrecognized although it had been his suggestion that HMS Richard Lionheart strike her main topgallants, which had deceived the smugglers completely. Thinking her only an Indiaman, they had let her come up until they were directly under the guns of the bigger ship – too late to do anything but surrender! Meanwhile, the cutter sent to fetch and carry several officers of the RM to and from their commands had met with HMS Sheik Yassouf where JA had spent the half hour badgering his superior officers to fill out their ”nothing to declare” forms in triplicate. His reward was a purse worth 700 Guineas (apparently the present of a grateful purser), a promotion to Lieutenant and a lift to HMS Glenmoranie (where he was expexted to replace JD, who was rumoured to have choked to death on a bit of gristle).

In the red squadron, HMS Indomitable was most unlucky to have a 36-pounder explode during a live fire exercise. Shit happens, but her captain will be hard put to explain why the lower deck hatches had been open as well and why none of her idlers had been stationed near the hay stored on the orlop deck with a couple buckets of water close at hand. He'll probably say that WKM had been ordered to do just this but had fallen asleep. The cries of ”Fire! Fire!” eventually roused him from whatever dreams he may have dreamed and he helped valiantly to save the ship – his efforts went unnoticed, alas! After the fires were put out HMS Indomitable wore round and made sail to go home for repairs and the court martial of her captain, at the same time her lookout reported a strange sail in the SW. She immediately signalled HMS Jupiter : ”Sails to SW. Go investigate. Good luck!”. The squadron was happy to give chase and the sail turned out to belong to a Portugese xebec of 32 guns, carrying dispatches for the Spanish squadron the fleet had engaged and destroyed last month. Overland news certainly didn't travel fast, or perhaps Napoleon had felt that his allies should be spared such a blow to their self-esteem? The captain of HMS Jupiter cleared 1,900 Guineas in prize money, the captain of HMS Fiddler's Green another 1,200 Guineas while her 2 nd Lieutenant (who had been the most zealous of all officers) was mentioned in dispatches and promoted to master & commander (his first command will be a victualling tender, HMS Slop Chest ). HMS Swiftsure did not participate in the chase since the revenue cutter had chosen that time to show up in order to pick up the captain of her Marines (destined for Majordom and HMS Sheik Yassouf ).

In the blue squadron, JS was still reading the log of HMS Waakzamheit when the ship's surgeon came into his cabin and told him that another dread disease had reared its ugly head – no less that five cases of gaol fever had been reported during the afternoon watch! Jack immediately ordered all ships to make sail and head for the Irish coast, where the squadron anchored in a great shallow bay, while the surgeons and their mates made the rounds, distributing Ward's drops, Green's pills, and powdered Jesuits' bark to every man able to swallow and hold them down. Five days the fever raged ... and then the battle was won! The weather took a turn for the better as well, and soon you could se a number of hands splash about in the shallow waters, diving down to look at some curious rocks ... which turned out to be all that was left of a French troop ship! As the word spread, more and more hands and even the officers joined in and pretty soon a number of brass-bound chests was heaved aboard. Trust the Frogs to take a bit of pocket money along, and this proved no exeption. JS only became aware of what had been going on after it was all over (bar the shouting) but his 2 nd Lieutenant pocketed 1,400 Guineas (and a promotion as well), while the captain of HMS Berwickshire pocketed only 900 Guineas (but was mentioned in dispatches for his outstanding modesty). On HMS Bellerophon her 1 st Lieutenant took 1,000 Guineas from the pockets of his 2 nd Lieutenant, who had gravely underestimated the weight of the lead soles in his shoes and didn't manage to attract his shipmates' attention in time (he was, however, promoted posthumously at the insistence of the president of the Royal College for his contribution to the sum of human knowledge). Few had been more diligent in administering the kiss of life to this unfortunate gentleman than 1 st Lieutenant Andrew Goodman of HMS Mars , who also refused to accept a promotion for his action (but accepted a mention in dispatches instead) but one of these was TBA, who insisted on fetching the dead man's shoes from the seabed – lead soles and all. A more unwise idea he could hardly have conceived, for all sailors know that stepping into a dead man's shoes is one of the hallmarks of a right Jonah! Small wonder that a gun went off inadvertently just as TBA was hauled up past the open port lid – R.I.P.! On the other hand, new boy MAD had the wit to note down the exact time of the gun going off, and the number of the gun and itss captain as well – this at least enabled JS to enter the incident in the ship'slog. He had barely finished when the lookout announced the arrival of the ships of the yellow squadron, and the captain of HMS Glenmoranie immediately had himself pulled over to make his report. Nothing untoward had happened since they had gotten lost in the fog, except their meeting with a couple of Newfoundlandmen which had had the bad manner to pass the squadron on the weather side – the smell of rotting cod was so strong it actually brought a green tarnish on the ship's brightwork! In pure self defence her captain fired a number of broadside and destroyed them completely, which earned him 1,500 Guineas (instead of a promotion). A happy ending except for the fact that Lieutenant (RM) John Doe, deeply affected by the thought of all that nourishing cod liver oil wasted, one night grabbed a cannon ball and jumped overboard (he was soon replaced by JA, who had no such scruples)! A much romanticized account of the ”Cod Oil Tragedy” later appeared in a gentlemen's magazine and earned its author (the 1 st Lieutenant of HMS Halcyon ) 1,300 Guineas, but only FF of HMS Belle Poule had the presence of mind to write a really scientific paper (entitled: ”Cod Oil and Salt Water, Impartially Considered”) which included (among other things) such erratic data as the water's degree of salinity in five fathoms depth at noon exactly. Impossible to put into words the furor it caused in the world of learning! Rumour has it Napoleon himself (at the head of the entire Academy Francaise) wrote to King Albert, demanding a knighthood for this intrepid explorer, and the King actually granted the request (together with a small present of 700 Guineas)! Arise, Sir Feghorn ...! As an afterthought, the King sends another 1,200 Guineas to the captain of HMS Alexander as well. Meanwhile, the blockade squadron gets in on the act and a huge collection of seaweeds (in avrying states of decay) goes to the Royal Scientific Society by the next Admiralty cutter. The fellows show themselves apropriately grateful and bestow several small tokens on the commanding officers – the captain of HMS Salisbury captain gets 1,300 Guineas (instead of the promotion he had hoped for), the captain of HMS Sauve Qui Peut captain gets mentioned in dispatches, on HMS Surprise midshipman JWK is also mentioned but manages to pocket 1,900 Guineas as well, and on HMS Swordfish GS is mentioned but not promoted – such are the whims of scientific fame!

Finally, news arrived that EIC La Poubelle survived a determined attack by pirates off the African coast, which earned her 1 st Lieutenant a promotion at the cost of his life. He fell overboard and was devoured by sharks, but reaching out through a gun post JOG at least managed to snatch the officer's gold watch, a genuine Breguet repeater worth 1,000 Guineas.

FINIS

No copy this month due to the upheavel in London

Johns Diary

Johns Diary Part Two

Day Forty one

Well we crossed some thing called the “equator” which called for a celebration of sorts. Wasn't too keen on it at first; however the pint of grog that was given out by the Capt'n was welcome. The cabin boys looked nervous as they handed out the grog, can't understand why?

Much later…..

Well what a day its bin ad a luvly time crew were well impressed with me singing even if I do say so meself. Capt'n wrote to his superiors an says what a singer I was!

I will write later more fun is going on now, summit about a barrel and the cabin boys joining in this time? Strange tho as I ain't seen a single one of em since the grog was handed out……..

Day forty three

My head hurts, can't remember much except for what's I written in here. I seem to ave lost a day or so some how? God I feel ill all the grog can't be good fer ya? Managed to get on deck, every one looks the worse fer wear; even his highness the Cap'n looks bad!

Cabin boys look healthy, although they do seem to be walkin funny? Suppose grog affects us all different……..

Day Forty Four

Feelin like me old self now the worse of it is over. Some of the crews were askin if I liked the barrel party? Did na want to offend them so said yes, they looked pleased and said we will have some more of that soon! Ter be ‘onest I haven't a clue what they are on about! Still it was a good night what I can remember of it……..

Day Forty Five

Very quiet so I will leave the diary fer now, wait till summit exciting happens before I pens some more…….

Further instalments will, of course, be published in The Gazette.

Sir Rodney, Vice admiral of the White, will face court martial in September, upon the charge of deserting his post of duty while under attack.

Captain N6 of HMS Droits de L'Homme will face court martial in September, upon the charge of neglecting his duty by loitering ashore.

Sir Louis Beanpole, Vice admiral of the Red, will face court martial in September, upon the charge of deserting his post of duty while under attack.

Captain N3 of HMS Indomitable will face court martial in September, upon the charge of neglecting his duty by loitering ashore.

General N3, General of the Royal Marines will face court martial in September, upon the charge of deserting his post of duty while under attack.

Third call for E.I.C. Shangri-La to the Far East, sailing date 1 st of September 1791. Applications for crew members are welcome.